BFME 1b: Mightier Than The Sword?

 

BFME — Episode 1, Part 2: “Mightier Than The Sword?”

[Black.]

[For a moment, nothing.]

[Cut back.]

[Pen is still standing on the platform.]

[The snowball is approximately six inches from his face.]

[Cut to black.]

...

[Cut back.]

[Pen is leaning backwards.]

Pen: Ah.

[Cut to black.]

...

[Cut back.]

[Pen is no longer on the platform.]

[He is falling.]

[Cut to black.]

...

[Cut back.]

[Pen is still falling.]

Pen: This is taking a while.

[Cut to black.]

...

[Cut back.]

[Pen is still falling.]

[Very slightly lower.]

Pen: Quite a while.

[Cut to black.]

...

[Cut back.]

[Pen continues falling.]

[He looks down.]

Pen: Oh, there it is.

[Cut to black.]

THUD.

[Black.]

[Pause.]

Pen, distant: Ow.

[Title card.]

MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD?

[Cut back to the platforms.]

[Everyone is staring over the edge.]

Lamp: Pen?

Paper: Who?

Scissors: The guy you hate.

Paper: Oh.

[Paper looks down.]

Paper: HA!

Scissors: He just fell like fifty feet!

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: Who fell?

Scissors: Never mind.

Bread: Good shot, loaf of bread.

Leaf: That was an incredible shot.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Knife: Lucky.

Bread: Nope, loaf of bread.

Knife: You're telling me you meant to bounce it off the platform?

Bread: Yep, loaf of bread.

Knife: ...okay, that was pretty good.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Knife: Don't get used to it.

Bread: Already forgot, loaf of bread.

Paper: Forgot what?

Scissors: HE WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.

Paper: Oh.

[On Aglet's platform.]

Candle: PEN!

[Everyone crowds around the edge.]

Aglet: Is he okay?

Turmeric: He said "ow."

Chair: That's usually better than not saying anything.

Turmeric: Yeah.

Chair: ...was that useful?

Turmeric: Actually, yes.

Chair: Oh.

[Chair looks mildly pleased.]

Turmeric: Don't make a thing out of it.

Chair: Right.

Lamp: PEN!

Pen, very distant: YES?

Lamp: ARE YOU OKAY?

Pen: NOT PARTICULARLY!

Lamp: Okay!

Aglet: Why did you say "okay" like that solved anything?

Lamp: He answered!

Aglet: Fair.

[Ball rolls to the edge and looks down.]

Ball: That's far.

Cuisinart: Based on estimated platform height, fall duration and—

[click]

Cuisinart: Pen has returned to the earth.

Candle: Can you switch back?

[click]

Cuisinart: Yep!

Candle: Thank you.

[Across the gap, Tuba is celebrating.]

Tuba: WE WON!

Scissors: Did we?

Tuba: PEN FELL!

Scissors: Yes, I noticed.

Tuba: SO WE WON!

Leaf: Probably.

Knife: Obviously.

Jar: Nice.

Scissors: Can everyone stop saying we won until the person running the game actually confirms it?

[Everyone looks toward the speaker.]

[Silence.]

Scissors: Of course.

[Rock remains precariously close to the edge.]

Leaf: We should probably get Rock away from there.

Scissors: Yes.

[Leaf pulls Rock back toward the middle.]

Jar: He survived.

Scissors: He was six inches from falling.

Jar: Still survived.

Knife: Captain's got instincts.

Scissors: Captain has a high coefficient of friction.

Knife: Exactly.

Scissors: THAT WAS NOT A COMPLIMENT.

[Paper walks up to Bread.]

Paper: Hey, nice shot.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Paper: What did you hit?

Bread: Pen, loaf of bread.

Paper: Nice.

[Pause.]

Paper: Hey, nice shot.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Scissors: You two are going to be doing this until one of you dies.

Leaf: Technically Bread's sentence gimmick might help Paper remember him.

Scissors: How?

Leaf: Every single sentence ends the same way.

Paper: What does?

Bread: My sentences, loaf of bread.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: Why do you keep saying that?

Bread: Saying what, loaf of bread.

Scissors: Never mind. Theory disproven.

[Below, Pen slowly gets back to his feet.]

Pen: Right.

[He dusts himself off.]

Pen: Suppose I should get back up there somehow.

[He looks up.]

Pen: ...

Pen: How do I get back up there?

[Back on the platform.]

Candle: We probably lost.

Aglet: Probably.

Candle: Great.

Turmeric: It was one challenge.

Candle: The first challenge.

Turmeric: Yes. That's generally what "one challenge" means.

Candle: I know what it means.

Turmeric: Then why are we doing this?

Candle: Because I wanted to win!

Ball: Still can.

Candle: We just lost.

Ball: The show.

Candle: Oh.

[Pause.]

Candle: Right.

Aglet: See? We're fine.

Candle: We're not fine. But we're less doomed than I was thinking.

Lamp: Yay!

Candle: Don't "yay" that.

Lamp: Smaller yay.

Candle: Fine.

Lamp: ^Yay.

Turmeric: How did you make it quieter in text?

Lamp: What?

Turmeric: Never mind.

[Knife walks to the edge of Rock's platform and points dramatically across at Aglet's team.]

Knife: First blood.

Scissors: It's snow.

Knife: First snow.

Scissors: Worse.

Knife: First—

Scissors: Stop.

Knife: Fine.

Leaf: Bread actually scored the hit anyway.

Knife: I helped.

Leaf: How?

Knife: Morale.

Jar: He did say a lot of stuff.

Knife: See?

Scissors: That's not morale.

Paper: Hey, where's Pen?

Scissors: He fell.

Paper: HA!

Scissors: You already did that.

Paper: Did what?

Scissors: Never mind.

Paper: Screw Pen.

Scissors: There it is.

[Paper absentmindedly looks at his own blank surface.]

[Just for a second.]

[Then looks away.]

[The speaker crackles.]

Scissors: Finally.

Candle: Okay. Official ruling.

[Everyone looks toward the speaker.]

Announcer: Alright, good job, Team Rock. Team Aglet, you eight are each up as a candidate for elimination. Pen—

[Announcer snaps twice.]

Announcer: —you're fine now.

[Pen is visibly not fine.]

Pen: Am I.

Announcer: Yep. Get back up, and—

[Somewhere off-mic, footsteps hurry away.]

Pen: How?

Announcer: What?

Pen: How do I get back up?

Announcer: Oh.

[Pause.]

[A small lift rises beside Pen.]

Pen: Thank you.

[Pen steps onto it.]

[The lift rockets upward.]

Pen: OH—

[It stops at platform height.]

[Pen staggers off.]

Pen: Brilliant.

[Down below, an intern walks away carrying coffee.]

Aglet: Wait.

Candle: What?

Aglet: Did the snapping do anything?

[Everyone looks at Pen.]

Pen: No.

[Everyone looks toward the speaker.]

Announcer: Anyway! Alright, to avoid elimination, either choose to beat Bread at pétanque or the mystery option.

[Silence.]

Bread: Oh, loaf of bread.

Candle: Wait.

Turmeric: No.

Candle: What's the mystery option?

Announcer: Mystery.

Turmeric: Yeah, got that.

Aglet: And if we beat Bread, we're safe?

Announcer: Yep.

[Everyone looks at Bread.]

Aglet: How good are you at pétanque?

Bread: Pretty good, loaf of bread.

Knife: He just knocked Pen off a platform with a snowball.

Pen: Thank you for the reminder.

Bread: Pétanque-adjacent, loaf of bread.

Candle: Define "pretty good."

Bread: Pretty good, loaf of bread.

Turmeric: You're not getting another answer.

Lamp: What's pétanque?

Bread: You throw balls near another little ball, loaf of bread.

Lamp: Oh!

[Pause.]

Lamp: What's pétanque?

Aglet: Okay.

Ball: I'll play Bread.

Candle: Immediately?

Ball: I'm a ball.

Turmeric: You're throwing the balls, not being one.

Ball: Still seems relevant.

Aglet: I'll do pétanque.

Turmeric: Same.

Cuisinart: Me too!

[click]

Cuisinart: This decision will haunt us.

Bread: Alright, loaf of bread.

Candle: Fine. Mystery.

Lamp: Mystery!

Chair: ...mystery.

Pen: After what Bread just did to me? Mystery.

Bread: Understandable, loaf of bread.

Announcer: Alright, for those of you who picked the mystery option, take these slips of pap—

[Pause.]

Announcer: —I mean parchment. And a Sharpie.

Paper, from across the platform: Hey.

Scissors: Don't worry about it.

Paper: About what?

Scissors: Exactly.

[Four slips of parchment and Sharpies appear in front of Candle, Lamp, Chair, and Pen.]

Lamp: Ooh!

Pen: That's generally not a good sign.

Chair: Maybe we just have to write our names.

Announcer: Your task: Evaluate the multi-variable spectral operator integral Omega of d, k, defined over d-dimensional Euclidean space R-to-the-d and the complex plane C.

[A horrifying equation appears overhead.]

[ANIMATION NOTE / EQUATION SHOWN:

Ω(d, k) =
1 / [π^(d/2+1) Γ(μ)]
× ∮C ∫(R^d) ∫_0^∞
[k · t^(μ−1) ||x||² e^(−(t+||x||²)) cosh(z) / z]
dt d^d x dz

Assume C positively encloses z = 0.

ANSWER FORMAT:
Write any real, imaginary, or complex coefficient first.
After that, variables must be written in alphabetical order.

For production reference:

∫_0^∞ t^(μ−1)e^(−t)dt = Γ(μ)

∫_(R^d) ||x||²e^(−||x||²)d^dx
= (d/2)π^(d/2)

∮_C cosh(z)/z dz = 2πi

Thus Ω(d,k) = ikd before formatting.

Coefficient first: i
Variables alphabetically: d, k

Accepted answer: idk
]

Announcer: Your variables shall be in alphabetical order, with any real, imaginary, or complex coefficients written first.

Lamp: What.

Chair: I think there's a gamma in it.

Lamp: Where?

Chair: The curly thing.

Pen: That's mu.

Chair: Oh.

Lamp: What's gamma?

Pen: The other curly thing.

Lamp: There are TWO curly things?

Pen: Several, arguably.

Lamp: I don't like math anymore.

Pen: Sensible.

Announcer: Incorrect answers shall result in another tiebreaker to narrow down who might leave today.

[Pause.]

Announcer: And let's just say...

[Another pause.]

Announcer: ...leaving might not be the best idea.

[Silence.]

Jar, from the safe team: Ominous.

Knife: Finally.

Scissors: Why are you happy about that?

Knife: Atmosphere.

Candle: What does "leaving might not be the best idea" mean?

Announcer: Begin.

[Pen immediately starts writing.]

[Lamp leans over.]

[Pen covers his parchment.]

Lamp: Hey.

Pen: Independent work.

Lamp: I wasn't copying!

Pen: You were physically leaning over my shoulder.

Lamp: I was independently looking at your answer.

Pen: That's copying.

Lamp: Oh.

[She goes back to her parchment.]

Chair: Pen?

Pen: No.

Chair: I didn't ask anything yet.

Pen: Were you going to ask how to solve it?

Chair: ...yeah.

Pen: No.

Chair: Okay.

[Pen studies the equation.]

[Writes.]

[Stops.]

[Crosses something out.]

[Writes again.]

Pen, quietly: Gamma cancels...

[More writing.]

Pen: Gaussian second moment...

[He looks at the contour.]

Pen: Pole at zero...

[He writes one final line.]

[Looks at it.]

[Reorders two symbols.]

Pen: Right.

[He folds the parchment slightly so nobody can see.]

[Lamp has written:]

Ω = 7

[Lamp stares at it.]

Lamp: Seven feels good.

Chair: Why seven?

Lamp: There's a lot of stuff up there.

Chair: Okay.

Lamp: So probably not one.

Chair: Makes sense.

Pen, without looking up: It doesn't.

Lamp: You don't know.

Pen: I do know that much.

[Lamp crosses out 7.]

[Writes:]

Ω = 12

Lamp: Better.

Pen: Why did it increase?

Lamp: I reconsidered.

[Candle is staring intensely at the equation.]

Candle: Okay. Gamma cancels with... probably that.

Turmeric: "Probably?"

Candle: I'M WORKING.

[Candle writes.]

[Crosses out.]

[Writes again.]

Candle: There's definitely a k.

Turmeric: Great.

Candle: This isn't helping.

Turmeric: I'm not taking the math test.

Candle: I know.

[Chair's parchment is completely blank.]

Chair: I don't know.

Turmeric: Then guess.

Chair: What do you guess on something like this?

Turmeric: A number.

Chair: There are letters.

Turmeric: Guess letters.

Chair: That's worse.

[Chair sighs.]

[He writes:]

idk

Chair: There.

Turmeric: You wrote "I don't know."

Chair: Because I don't know.

Turmeric: At least you're honest.

Chair: Thanks.

Turmeric: Don't get eliminated over it.

Chair: I'll try.

[On Team Rock's platform, Leaf squints at the displayed equation.]

Leaf: Wait a second.

Scissors: What?

Leaf: Nothing.

Scissors: Did you figure it out?

Leaf: Maybe.

Scissors: Tell me.

Leaf: You're already safe.

Scissors: I want to know.

Leaf: No.

Scissors: Why?

Leaf: This is funnier.

Scissors: I hate you.

Paper: What's funnier?

Scissors: Nothing.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: What's funnier?

Scissors: YOU.

Paper: Thanks.

Scissors: That wasn't—

Paper: What wasn't?

Scissors: Never mind.

[Back to Lamp.]

[Lamp has crossed out 12.]

Her parchment now reads:

Ω = kπ?

Lamp: That looks mathy.

Ball: Very.

Lamp: Thanks!

Ball: Didn't say correct.

Lamp: Still counts.

[Candle finally writes:]

Ω = kd

Candle: Okay.

Aglet: You confident?

Candle: No.

Aglet: Great.

Candle: But it's more confident than not writing anything.

Chair: Hey.

Candle: Sorry.

Chair: It's okay.

[Pause.]

Chair looks at his "idk."]

Chair: Maybe I should actually guess something.

Turmeric: You already guessed.

Chair: That's not a guess.

Turmeric: It is if you submit it.

Chair: It doesn't even look like an answer.

Turmeric: Neither does half the equation.

Chair: ...good point.

[Chair leaves it.]

Lamp: I'm done!

Pen: Are you?

Lamp: Yep!

Pen: What did you put?

Lamp: Secret.

Pen: Fair enough.

Lamp: What did you put?

Pen: Secret.

Lamp: Aw.

[The speaker crackles.]

Announcer: Parchments up.

[Pen raises his immediately, answer hidden from the others.]

[Lamp raises hers.]

Lamp's parchment: kπ?

Lamp: I added the question mark for honesty.

[Candle raises hers.]

Candle's parchment: kd

Candle: At least mine looks possible.

[Chair slowly raises his.]

Chair's parchment: idk

Chair: Sorry.

Turmeric: For what?

Chair: I don't know.

Turmeric: Stop apologizing for not knowing impossible math.

Chair: Right.

[Pause.]

Chair: Sorry.

Turmeric: Chair.

Chair: Right.

[Everyone looks at Pen.]

Pen: What?

Candle: Show it.

Pen: The Announcer can see it.

Lamp: We can't!

Pen: Correct.

Lamp: That's no fun.

Pen: It's very fun for me.

[Pen turns his parchment toward the Announcer's speaker.]

[ANIMATION NOTE: Pen's parchment also reads "idk," reached through actual calculation.]

[Chair notices.]

Chair: Wait.

Pen glances at Chair's parchment.

[Pause.]

Pen: ...interesting.

Chair: What?

Pen: Nothing.

Chair: Is "idk" somehow close?

Pen: I didn't say that.

Chair: Oh.

[Paper looks over.]

Paper: Hey, Pen!

Pen: Yes?

Paper: Screw you!

Pen: Of course.

Paper: What's that?

Pen: A Sharpie.

Paper: Can I have it?

[Pen looks at the Sharpie.]

[Then at Paper.]

Pen: Absolutely not.

Paper: Why?

Pen: I don't know what you'd do with it.

Paper: Neither do I.

Pen: Precisely.

[Paper shrugs.]

[Five seconds.]

Paper: Hey, Pen! What's that?

Pen: ...a Sharpie.

Paper: Can I have it?

Pen: No.

Paper: Screw you.

Pen: There it is.

[Pen looks down at the Sharpie.]

[Then at Paper.]

[Beat.]

[Pen pockets it.]

Leaf: You keeping that?

Pen: Apparently.

Leaf: Why?

Pen: Might be useful.

[Paper has already forgotten the conversation.]

[The speaker crackles.]

Announcer: Alright, Chair and Pen are safe. Using some contour integrals and the simplification rules, you reach the answer of idk, where i is the square root of negative one.

[Silence.]

Chair: ...

Lamp: ...

Turmeric: ...

Chair: Wait.

Pen: Yes.

Chair: I got it right?

Announcer: Yep.

Chair: I wrote "I don't know."

Pen: Coincidentally, so did mathematics.

Chair: Oh.

[Chair looks at his parchment.]

Chair: Huh.

Turmeric: Congratulations.

Chair: Thanks!

Turmeric: Don't make this weird.

Chair: Right.

Lamp: So I was wrong?

Pen: You wrote k pi with a question mark.

Lamp: Yeah.

Pen: Yes.

Lamp: Dang it.

[Pause.]

Lamp: Wait, what was the answer again?

Pen: idk.

Lamp: Neither do I.

Pen: No, the answer was—

[Pen stops.]

Pen: Never mind.

Candle: And mine?

Announcer: Wrong.

Candle: Great.

Announcer: Bread, here's a bocce set. Couldn't find a—

[Pause.]

Announcer: Woop, never mind. Here's a pétanque set.

[Something whistles from above.]

Bread looks up.

Bread: Oh, loaf of bread.

[A full pétanque set drops from the sky and slams into the platform dangerously close to Bread.]

CLANG.

[Everyone jumps.]

Scissors: JESUS—

Jar: Delivery.

Knife: That would've been an embarrassing way to lose.

Bread: Yep, loaf of bread.

Leaf: You good?

Bread: Fine, loaf of bread.

[Rock's googly eyes wobble from the impact.]

Scissors: Rock almost got taken out by sporting equipment.

Jar: Again, survived.

Scissors: That is not a skill.

Jar: Keeps happening.

Scissors: THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT A SKILL.

[Bread opens the set.]

Bread: Nice set, loaf of bread.

Knife: Of course you're reviewing it.

Bread: Decent weight, loaf of bread.

Leaf: Can you tell just by holding it?

Bread: Yep, loaf of bread.

Scissors: Why are you secretly the most qualified person here?

Bread: Side hobby, loaf of bread.

[On Team Aglet's side.]

Candle: So who's playing him?

Aglet: Me.

Turmeric: Me.

Ball: Me.

Cuisinart: Me!

[click]

Cuisinart: Regrettably.

Lamp: Good luck!

Turmeric: We need it.

Bread: Who's first, loaf of bread?

Ball: Me.

Candle: Still confident?

Ball: Ball.

Turmeric: That's still not a reason.

Ball: Enough of one.

[Ball rolls forward.]

Bread hands him a pétanque ball.

[Ball stares at it.]

Ball: Hm.

Bread: Problem, loaf of bread?

Ball: No hands.

[Silence.]

Aglet: Oh.

Turmeric: Right.

Candle: How did none of us think about that?

Ball: I did.

Aglet: And you volunteered anyway?

Ball: Wanted to see what happened.

Jar: Respect.

Scissors: Stop validating bad decisions.

Bread: You can push it, loaf of bread.

Ball: With what?

Bread: Yourself, loaf of bread.

Ball: That's more like it.

[Ball positions the pétanque ball.]

[Backs up.]

[Rolls forward.]

CLINK.

[The pétanque ball rolls toward the target.]

[Stops surprisingly close.]

Aglet: Oh.

Turmeric: Okay.

Candle: That's actually good.

Ball: Ball.

Bread: Good shot, loaf of bread.

Ball: Thanks.

[Bread takes his own ball.]

[Underhand throw.]

CLINK.

[It lands closer.]

Ball: Hm.

Bread: Better shot, loaf of bread.

Ball: Fair.

[Ball rolls away.]

Aglet: You almost had him.

Ball: Almost doesn't count.

Turmeric: My turn.

[Turmeric grabs a ball.]

Candle: Don't overthink it.

Turmeric: I'm not.

Aglet: You visibly are.

Turmeric: Shut up.

[Turmeric throws.]

[Good shot.]

Turmeric: Hm.

Bread: Not bad, loaf of bread.

Turmeric: Somehow that's worse than saying bad.

[Bread throws.]

[Closer.]

Turmeric: Of course.

Bread: Side hobby, loaf of bread.

Turmeric: I hate your side hobby.

Bread: Fair, loaf of bread.

[Turmeric leaves.]

Cuisinart: My turn!

[click]

Cuisinart: I have seen enough.

Aglet: Too late.

[Cuisinart takes a ball.]

Cuisinart: Calculating optimal launch angle...

[Motor whirs.]

Cuisinart: Compensating for wind...

[More whirring.]

Cuisinart: Adjusting for platform vibration...

[click]

Cuisinart: Throw it into the abyss.

Aglet: DON'T.

[click]

Cuisinart: Right!

[Cuisinart throws.]

[The ball sails beautifully.]

Leaf: Oh, that's actually—

[It overshoots everything.]

[The ball falls off the platform.]

[Silence.]

Cuisinart: ...

[click]

Cuisinart: Called it.

Aglet: How did you calculate it that badly?

Cuisinart: I included too many variables.

Pen: A common problem.

Lamp: Like the big math thing!

Pen: Yes, actually.

Lamp: Yay!

Candle: Not yay.

Lamp: Small yay?

Candle: Fine.

Lamp: ^Yay.

[Aglet takes the final ball.]

Aglet: So it's me.

Bread: Yep, loaf of bread.

Aglet: How many people were in that tournament you won?

Bread: Thirty-two, loaf of bread.

Aglet: Oh, come on.

Knife: JUST THROW IT.

Aglet: YOU'RE SAFE.

Knife: EXACTLY.

[Aglet throws.]

[The ball rolls.]

[Curves slightly.]

[Stops.]

[Very close.]

Candle: Oh.

Turmeric: That's actually really good.

Ball: Nice.

Aglet: Wait, did I—

[Bread looks at Aglet's ball.]

[Then at his own.]

[For the first time, Bread pauses.]

Scissors: Ohhh.

Leaf: He made Bread think.

Jar: Dangerous.

Bread: Hm, loaf of bread.

Aglet: That's the most nervous you've sounded all day.

Bread: Not nervous, loaf of bread.

Aglet: You said "hm."

Bread: I say hm, loaf of bread.

Aglet: You literally haven't.

Bread: Hm, loaf of bread.

Aglet: Stop that.

[Bread throws.]

[The ball lands.]

[Rolls.]

[Stops extremely close to Aglet's.]

[Silence.]

Lamp: Who won?

Pen: Difficult to tell.

Candle: Measure it.

[Leaf produces a ruler.]

Scissors: Why do you have that?

Leaf: Object show.

Scissors: That doesn't answer anything anymore.

[Leaf measures.]

Leaf: ...

Aglet: Well?

Leaf: That's annoying.

Candle: WHAT?

Leaf: It's basically tied.

Aglet: Basically?

Leaf: We need something more precise.

[The speaker crackles.]

Announcer: Pen. You know 3D geometry principles, hopefully. You solved the other tiebreaker, help us out with this one.

Pen: "Hopefully" is doing a lot of work there.

Aglet: Can you tell who won?

Pen: Probably.

Aglet: That's not reassuring.

Pen: I'm learning from the Announcer.

[Pen goes to the pétanque setup.]

[He crouches.]

Pen: They are annoyingly close.

Bread: Yep, loaf of bread.

Aglet: How annoyingly?

Pen: Enough that eyeballing it would be stupid.

Leaf: I tried the ruler.

Pen: On a raised platform with both balls offset in different directions?

Leaf: ...yeah.

Pen: Right.

Leaf: Is that bad?

Pen: Just incomplete.

Leaf: I'll take it.

[Pen takes the ruler.]

Pen: We need the actual straight-line distance from each ball to the target.

Lamp: So... ruler.

Pen: Yes, but correctly.

Lamp: Oh.

[Pen measures.]

Pen: Bread's is offset this much horizontally...

[Moves.]

Pen: ...and this much in depth.

Aglet: Depth?

Pen: Platform isn't perfectly flat.

Aglet: Of course it isn't.

[Pen scribbles on the back of his parchment.]

Chair: Are you doing the triangle thing?

Pen: Several triangle things.

Chair: Nice.

Pen: Thank you.

[Pen measures Aglet's ball.]

Pen: Hm.

Aglet: Hm good or hm bad?

Pen: Hm irritating.

Aglet: Great.

Bread: Strong category, loaf of bread.

Pen: Bread, please.

Bread: Sorry, loaf of bread.

[Pen calculates.]

Lamp: Pythagorean theorem?

Pen: Essentially.

Lamp: I know that one!

Pen: Good.

Lamp: A squared plus B squared equals—

Pen: Not now.

Lamp: Right.

[Long pause.]

Candle: Pen.

Pen: Checking.

Aglet: Please tell me I won.

Pen: That would be easier if the numbers agreed with you.

Aglet: Oh, come on.

Bread: Hm, loaf of bread.

Aglet: STOP SAYING HM.

[Pen recalculates.]

Leaf: Got something?

Pen: Yes.

[Everyone leans in.]

Pen: Bread's ball is closer.

Aglet: By how much?

Pen: A little under two millimeters.

[Silence.]

Aglet: TWO MILLIMETERS?!

Bread: Close game, loaf of bread.

Aglet: THAT'S NOT CLOSE, THAT'S CRUEL.

Knife: Skill issue.

Aglet: YOU DIDN'T EVEN PLAY.

Turmeric: Barely losing is still losing.

Aglet: Thank you, Turmeric. Very supportive.

Turmeric: You're welcome.

Aglet: That wasn't—

Turmeric: Still counts.

[Pen stands.]

Pen: Bread wins.

Bread: Good game, loaf of bread.

[Aglet reluctantly shakes Bread's hand.]

Aglet: Good game.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Aglet: I cannot believe I lost to Bread by two millimeters.

Jar: Could've been one.

Aglet: Somehow that makes it worse.

Jar: Nice.

[The speaker crackles.]

Announcer: Chair, Pen, you two are safe. The rest of Team Aglet will settle this with a good old game of Spoons.

[Something whistles overhead.]

Aglet: Again?

[A table drops from the sky.]

CRASH.

[Five spoons and a deck of cards follow.]

CLATTERCLATTERCLATTER—

[Somehow, every spoon and card lands perfectly arranged.]

[Silence.]

Lamp: Whoa.

Turmeric: How did it do that?

Ball: Production.

Candle: They couldn't get Pen off the ground without a lift, but they can do that.

Pen: Priorities.

[Cuisinart circles the table.]

Cuisinart: Six players. Five spoons.

[click]

Cuisinart: One of us will be abandoned.

Aglet: That's literally how Spoons works.

Cuisinart: I know.

Lamp: I don't.

Candle: You've never played?

Lamp: I've used a spoon.

Turmeric: Close enough.

Lamp: Yay!

Candle: No—

Turmeric: Let her have it.

Candle: Fine.

[Aglet, Lamp, Candle, Turmeric, Ball, and Cuisinart sit.]

[Pen and Chair watch.]

Chair: Are we allowed to watch?

Announcer: [silence.]

Pen: Apparently.

Chair: Cool.

[Paper leans over.]

Paper: What's happening?

Scissors: They're playing Spoons.

Paper: Why?

Scissors: To avoid elimination.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: What are they playing?

Scissors: I don't care anymore.

Leaf: Spoons.

Paper: Thanks.

[Pause.]

Paper: Why?

Scissors: LEAF.

Leaf: Sorry.

[Back at the table.]

Candle: Everyone knows the rules except Lamp?

Ball: Yep.

Aglet: Probably.

Turmeric: Sure.

Cuisinart: Absolutely!

[click]

Cuisinart: I have no idea what we're doing.

Candle: Great.

Aglet: You get four cards. You're trying to get four of a kind.

Lamp: Okay.

Aglet: Cards keep passing around the table. Once somebody gets four of a kind, they take a spoon.

Lamp: Okay.

Aglet: Everyone else grabs one too.

Lamp: Okay.

Aglet: Whoever doesn't get one loses.

Lamp: Okay.

[Pause.]

Lamp: Why are there spoons?

Aglet: I don't know.

Lamp: Okay!

Turmeric: Good talk.

[Candle takes the deck.]

Candle: I'll deal.

Aglet: Of course you will.

Candle: Someone has to.

Turmeric: You say that about everything.

Candle: Because nobody else does anything!

Ball: I'm sitting.

Candle: Thank you, Ball.

Ball: You're welcome.

[Candle deals.]

[Lamp immediately displays her entire hand.]

Candle: LAMP.

Lamp: What?

Candle: Don't show us!

Lamp: Oh!

[She pulls the cards toward herself.]

Lamp: Nobody saw.

Turmeric: You have two threes.

Lamp: Hey!

Turmeric: And a queen.

Lamp: STOP.

Ball: And another three.

Lamp: BALL!

Ball: Sorry.

Lamp: Now everybody knows!

Aglet: You showed us.

Lamp: Oh yeah.

[Cards begin moving.]

Candle: Pass left.

[Cuisinart passes right.]

Turmeric: Other left.

Cuisinart: Ah!

[click]

Cuisinart: Direction is a social construct.

Turmeric: Give me the card.

Cuisinart: Sure!

[Cards circulate.]

Lamp: Ooh, queen!

Aglet: Don't narrate your hand.

Lamp: Right.

[Pass.]

Lamp: Ooh, seven!

Candle: Lamp.

Lamp: Right.

[Pass.]

Lamp, whispering: Ooh, two.

Turmeric: We can still hear you.

Lamp: Dang it.

[Ball receives a card.]

Ball: Hm.

Aglet: What?

Ball: Nothing.

Aglet: Why'd you say hm?

Ball: Card.

Aglet: Which card?

Ball: Mine.

Aglet: Fair.

[Cuisinart rapidly cycles cards.]

Cuisinart: Four! Eight! King! Two! Jack! Jack again! Suspicious!

Candle: Stop announcing them!

Cuisinart: Right!

[click]

Cuisinart: Ace.

Candle: CUISINART.

Cuisinart: Sorry!

[Across the way.]

Bread: Good game, loaf of bread.

Knife: Nobody's won yet.

Bread: I know, loaf of bread.

Knife: Then why'd you say good game?

Bread: Felt right, loaf of bread.

Jar: I get it.

Scissors: Of course you do.

[The pace increases.]

Candle: Faster.

Aglet: Why?

Candle: Because—

Aglet: Nobody said there's a timer.

Candle: There doesn't need to be!

Turmeric: She's invented competitive Spoons.

Candle: SPOONS IS ALREADY COMPETITIVE.

Ball: Is it?

Candle: THERE'S ONE FEWER SPOON THAN PLAYERS.

Ball: Good point.

[Lamp receives a card.]

Lamp: Three!

[Everyone freezes.]

Lamp: ...

Lamp: I mean—

Candle: Lamp.

Lamp: Sorry.

[She looks at her hand.]

[Three threes.]

Lamp: Oh.

[She slowly looks at the spoons.]

Turmeric: Why are you looking at the spoons?

Lamp: I'm not.

Turmeric: You absolutely are.

Lamp: I like spoons.

Candle: Keep playing.

[Lamp receives another card.]

[Not a three.]

Lamp: Aw.

Candle: STOP MAKING NOISES BASED ON YOUR CARDS.

Lamp: Sorry!

[Aglet receives a card.]

[Stops.]

[Looks at the spoons.]

Candle: Aglet?

Aglet: What?

Candle: Why'd you stop?

Aglet: Didn't.

Candle: You did.

Aglet: No.

Turmeric: Someone has four.

Ball: Probably.

Cuisinart: Commencing paranoia!

[click]

Cuisinart: Trust no one.

[Cards move faster.]

[One spoon shifts slightly.]

EVERYONE:—

[Everyone lunges.]

CLATTER.

[Turmeric gets one.]

[Ball rolls onto one.]

[Aglet grabs one.]

[Cuisinart clamps one.]

[Lamp grabs one.]

[Candle hits bare table.]

[Silence.]

Candle: ...

Lamp: I GOT ONE!

Aglet: Wait, who had four?

[Silence.]

Turmeric: I thought you did.

Aglet: I thought YOU did!

Ball: I thought the spoon moved.

Cuisinart: It did!

Candle: WHY DID IT MOVE?!

[Everyone looks.]

[The table is slightly tilted.]

Pen: Ah.

Chair: Oh no.

Candle: So nobody had four?!

Lamp: I almost did!

Candle: THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

Turmeric: We all grabbed anyway.

Candle: And I'm the one without a spoon.

[Everyone looks toward the speaker.]

Announcer: Due to your all apparent ineptitude to follow simple instructions, Candle is safe.

Candle: Wait, really?

Announcer: Candle, take a spoon with you. Everyone else, put it back in the middle.

[Candle immediately takes one.]

Candle: I'm not questioning it.

Lamp: Congrats!

Candle: Thank you.

Turmeric: You got rewarded for losing.

Candle: I KNOW.

Aglet: Take it.

Candle: Oh, I am.

[Candle walks over beside Pen and Chair with her spoon.]

Chair: Welcome!

Candle: Thanks.

Pen: Remarkable performance.

Candle: Don't.

Pen: You failed so comprehensively that you became immune.

Candle: I said don't.

Pen: Right.

[Four spoons remain.]

Announcer: Get your hands back in order—

[Pause.]

Announcer: —well, I suppose that doesn't apply for this game.

Ball: Thanks.

Announcer: Shuffle them.

Lamp: How do I shuffle four cards?

Turmeric: Mix them around.

[Lamp dumps them onto the table and scrambles them.]

Turmeric: Not like that.

Lamp: You said mix them around.

Turmeric: You know what? Fine.

[Cuisinart's cards disappear inside them.]

Aglet: Uh.

Cuisinart: Shuffling!

[Mechanical grinding.]

Aglet: Are those coming back?

Cuisinart: Probably!

[click]

Cuisinart: No.

Aglet: Great.

[Four cards shoot back out.]

Cuisinart: Yes!

Aglet: Okay.

[Ball's cards sit in front of him.]

Ball: Can somebody shuffle mine?

Turmeric: Sure.

[Turmeric reaches.]

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball should not permit another player to manipulate its—

[Turmeric immediately pulls back.]

Turmeric: Nope.

Ball: What?

Turmeric: You told me not to.

Ball: Did I?

Turmeric: Yes.

Ball: Weird.

Turmeric: YOU'RE THE WEIRD PART.

Aglet: I'll do it.

[Aglet shuffles Ball's cards.]

Aglet: There.

Ball: Thanks.

Aglet: Why was I allowed?

Ball: Don't know.

Turmeric: I am going to figure out what's wrong with you.

Ball: Wouldn't recommend it.

Announcer: Go.

[Cards start moving.]

Lamp: WAIT, WE STARTED?!

Turmeric: Yes!

Lamp: Oh!

[Pass.]

Aglet: No announcing cards.

Lamp: Got it.

[She receives one.]

Lamp: Ooh—

[She clamps her mouth shut.]

Aglet: Improvement.

[More passing.]

Cuisinart: Passing!

Turmeric: We can see.

Cuisinart: Receiving!

Turmeric: We can see.

Cuisinart: Passing!

Turmeric: Cuisinart.

Cuisinart: Right.

[click]

Cuisinart: Silence is preferable.

[Ball slowly nudges a card.]

Turmeric: Can you speed that up?

Ball: No hands.

Turmeric: Right.

[Aglet receives a card.]

[Passes.]

[Turmeric gets one.]

[Her expression changes.]

Aglet: You got something.

Turmeric: No.

Aglet: Your face changed.

Turmeric: My face is always like this.

Aglet: Like what?

Turmeric: Shut up.

[Pass.]

[Cuisinart receives a card.]

Cuisinart: Hm.

[click]

Cuisinart: Hm.

[click]

Cuisinart: Hm.

Turmeric: Stop changing modes just to say "hm."

Cuisinart: I'm processing!

[Lamp looks at the spoons.]

Ball: Lamp.

Lamp: What?

Ball: Spoon eyes.

Lamp: I don't have spoon eyes.

Aglet: You absolutely do.

Lamp: No I—

[Lamp receives a card.]

[Freezes.]

[Lamp slowly reaches.]

Turmeric: LAMP—

[Everyone lunges.]

CLATTER.

[Cuisinart gets one.]

[Turmeric gets one.]

[Aglet gets one.]

[Ball rolls onto one.]

[Lamp hits empty table.]

[Silence.]

Lamp: ...

Aglet: Wait.

Turmeric: You started it!

Lamp: Yeah.

Ball: Did you have four?

[Lamp looks.]

Lamp: I have three fours.

Turmeric: LAMP!

Lamp: I thought four fours meant four!

Aglet: IT DOES, BUT YOU HAVE THREE!

Lamp: Three is almost four!

Cuisinart: Mathematically, yes!

[click]

Cuisinart: Socially, no.

[Everyone looks toward the speaker.]

Lamp: Please say no.

Announcer: Lamp, for repeated incompetence you have received a warning from me. Don't do that again. If incompetence reoccurs in Spoons, you will be put up for elimination. We will redo this round.

Lamp: Oh.

[Pause.]

Lamp: What did I do?

Turmeric: You grabbed a spoon without four.

Lamp: Oh yeah.

Announcer: That counts as your warning.

Lamp: Okay!

Aglet: Do you actually understand now?

Lamp: Yep!

Aglet: How many cards of the same number?

Lamp: Four!

Aglet: Good.

Lamp: Then I grab a spoon.

Aglet: Yes.

Lamp: Everyone else grabs one.

Aglet: Yes.

Lamp: Whoever doesn't get one loses.

Aglet: YES.

Lamp: Okay, got it.

[Pause.]

Lamp: What are we playing?

Aglet: Oh my god.

Turmeric: Announcer, does that count?

Lamp: WAIT, I REMEMBER! SPOONS!

[Silence.]

Lamp: Ha!

Aglet: You were half a second from dying to administrative procedure.

Lamp: But I didn't!

Ball: Strong recovery.

Lamp: Thanks!

[Everyone returns the spoons.]

[Four remain.]

[Cuisinart shuffles.]

Aglet: You can shuffle normally?

Cuisinart: Yep!

Aglet: Why didn't you before?

Cuisinart: More fun that way.

Aglet: Fair.

[Cards dealt.]

Lamp studies her hand intensely.]

Turmeric: Don't hurt yourself.

Lamp: I'm counting.

Turmeric: How many?

Lamp: Four.

Turmeric: Cards?

Lamp: Yep.

Turmeric: Great start.

Ball: Proud of you.

Lamp: Thanks.

Announcer: Go.

[Cards move.]

[For once, silence.]

Jar: This is intense.

Scissors: It's been six seconds.

Jar: Very intense six seconds.

[Pass.]

[Pass.]

[Cuisinart receives a card.]

Cuisinart: Three queens.

Aglet: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

Cuisinart: Ah.

Turmeric: Now everybody knows.

Cuisinart: Forget I said it!

Lamp: Okay!

Aglet: That only works on Paper.

Paper, from across the way: What only works on me?

Scissors: Nothing.

Paper: Okay.

[Five seconds.]

Paper: What only works on me?

Scissors: Damn it.

[Cuisinart receives another card.]

[Their motor stops.]

Cuisinart: ...

Turmeric: What?

Cuisinart: Nothing.

Turmeric: You have four queens.

Cuisinart: No.

Aglet: You absolutely do.

Cuisinart: You cannot prove—

[Cuisinart's whisk shoots toward the spoons.]

Turmeric: SPOON!

[Everyone lunges.]

CLATTER.

[Cuisinart hooks one.]

[Turmeric grabs one.]

[Aglet grabs one.]

[Lamp dives across the table and gets one.]

[Ball rolls forward.]

THUNK.

[Empty table.]

[Silence.]

Ball: Hm.

Lamp: I GOT ONE!

Aglet: This time somebody actually had four.

Lamp: I KNOW!

Aglet: Good.

Lamp: I learned!

Turmeric: Somehow.

[Cuisinart lays down four queens.]

Cuisinart: Four queens!

[click]

Cuisinart: Regicide narrowly avoided.

Aglet: So Ball loses.

Ball: Seems like it.

Lamp: Sorry, Ball.

Ball: It's fine.

Lamp: You would've gotten one if you had hands.

Ball: Probably.

Turmeric: Forcing a spherical contestant with no hands to play Spoons may have been a design oversight.

Ball: Maybe.

[Pause.]

Announcer: Do not defeat Super Happy Fun Ball in a biased competition.

[Silence.]

Announcer: Wait, what was that?

Ball: Hm.

Announcer: Anyways, Ball is our first contestant up for elimination. Cuisinart, Aglet, Turmeric, Lamp—the next loser is up for elimination—

[Announcer mumbles.]

Announcer, muffled: —except in the case of special circumstances.

Candle: What special circumstances?

[Silence.]

Turmeric: Of course.

Ball: Sounded important.

Aglet: Yeah.

Ball: Probably isn't.

Turmeric: That's exactly the kind of thing somebody says before it becomes important.

Lamp: Maybe the special circumstance is if I mess up again.

Aglet: Honestly, probably.

Lamp: Oh.

[Pause.]

Lamp: That's bad.

Aglet: Yes.

[Ball rolls away from the table.]

[Three spoons remain.]

Cuisinart: Four contestants. Three spoons. One failure.

[click]

Cuisinart: Unless bureaucracy intervenes.

Turmeric: Might actually be accurate.

[The four remaining players shuffle.]

Aglet: No false starts.

Lamp: Got it.

Turmeric: No yelling your cards.

Cuisinart: Got it!

Aglet: No eating cards.

Cuisinart: That happened once.

Turmeric: Once is enough.

Lamp: Four means four.

Aglet: Correct.

Lamp: I know that now.

Turmeric: We're all very proud.

Lamp: Thanks!

[Cards are dealt.]

Aglet: Ready?

Lamp: Yep.

Turmeric: Yes.

Cuisinart: Absolutely!

[click]

Cuisinart: No.

Aglet: Good enough.

[Cards begin moving.]

[Pass.]

[Pass.]

[Pass.]

[For a few seconds, shockingly normal.]

Jar: This feels wrong.

Leaf: What?

Jar: Nobody's screaming.

Scissors: Give it time.

[Lamp receives a card.]

[Her eyes widen.]

[Looks at spoons.]

Aglet: Lamp.

Lamp: I'm not doing anything.

Aglet: Spoon face again.

Lamp: I don't have spoon face.

Turmeric: You do.

Lamp: What's spoon face look like?

Turmeric: That.

Lamp: Oh.

[She looks back at her hand.]

Lamp: Never mind.

[Pass.]

[Cuisinart gets a card.]

Cuisinart: Hm.

Turmeric: Don't.

Cuisinart: I barely said anything!

Turmeric: In this game, "hm" is information.

[click]

Cuisinart: ...

Turmeric: That's worse.

[Aglet receives a card.]

[Pauses.]

Lamp: Aglet has spoon face.

Aglet: I do not.

Turmeric: He does.

Aglet: NOBODY HAS SPOON FACE.

Lamp: You invented spoon face.

Aglet: I REGRET IT.

[Pass.]

[Turmeric receives a card.]

[No reaction.]

Cuisinart: Suspiciously unsuspicious.

Turmeric: Good.

Cuisinart: So you admit it.

Turmeric: No.

[The pace increases.]

[Lamp drops a card.]

Lamp: Oops.

[Everyone looks at the spoons.]

Lamp: NO, NOT A SPOON THING.

[Everyone stops.]

Aglet: Good clarification.

Lamp: Learned from experience.

Turmeric: Character development.

Lamp: Yay!

[Pass.]

[Pass.]

[Cuisinart suddenly freezes.]

[click]

Cuisinart: Oh.

Aglet: What.

Cuisinart: Nothing.

Turmeric: You have four.

Cuisinart: No.

Lamp: You said "oh."

Cuisinart: People say oh.

Aglet: Not like that.

Cuisinart: Like what?

Aglet: Like you have four.

Cuisinart: I categorically deny—

[Cuisinart's whisk shoots toward the spoons.]

Turmeric: GO!

[Everyone lunges.]

CLATTER.

[Turmeric gets one.]

[Aglet gets one.]

[Cuisinart gets one.]

[Lamp reaches the middle.]

[Empty.]

[Silence.]

Lamp: ...

Aglet: Oh no.

Lamp: I didn't mess up.

Turmeric: No.

Lamp: I waited.

Cuisinart: Correct.

Lamp: I did everything right.

Aglet: You did.

Lamp: And I still lost.

[Pause.]

Lamp: That's kind of rude.

Turmeric: That's Spoons.

Lamp: I don't like Spoons anymore.

[Lamp looks toward the speaker.]

Lamp: Does this count as incompetence?

[Silence.]

Aglet: No. You actually just lost.

Lamp: Oh.

[Pause.]

Lamp: That's worse.

[Cuisinart lays down four jacks.]

Cuisinart: Four jacks!

[click]

Cuisinart: We have eliminated the light.

Lamp: Hey!

Cuisinart: Sorry!

Turmeric: So Ball and Lamp are up.

Candle: That's two.

Pen: Which should mean the rest of you are safe.

Aglet: Unless—

[Everyone remembers.]

Aglet: "Special circumstances."

Turmeric: Yep.

Lamp: Maybe special circumstances are good.

Ball: Maybe.

Turmeric: You're weirdly optimistic.

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball should not be subjected to—

[Ball stops.]

[Pause.]

Ball: Hm.

Turmeric: There.

Ball: What?

Turmeric: That.

Ball: Didn't do anything.

Turmeric: Sure.

[The speaker crackles.]

Announcer: Alright. Lamp? Ball? It's... up to the audience which one of you goes.

[Pause.]

Announcer: You can't die while you're in here, by the way. We spent a lot of our budget on that so people would want to play.

[Everyone processes this.]

Knife: That's awesome.

Scissors: Why is that your reaction?

Knife: I can fall off things now.

Scissors: YOU COULD ALREADY FALL OFF THINGS.

Knife: Safely.

Scissors: THAT IS NOT WHAT HE SAID.

Announcer: Any words?

Lamp: About what?

Aglet: Why people should keep you.

Lamp: Oh!

[Lamp turns toward the camera.]

Lamp: Hi! Um... don't vote for me, please. I think I did pretty good.

Turmeric: You received an official warning for incompetence.

Lamp: I think I did pretty good after that.

Aglet: You lost Spoons.

Lamp: Yeah, but I lost it correctly!

[Pause.]

Lamp: That's improvement.

Chair: It is.

Lamp: Thanks, Chair!

Turmeric: ...yeah. It is.

Lamp: Thanks, Turmeric!

Turmeric: Don't make a big deal out of it.

Lamp: Okay!

[Everyone looks at Ball.]

Ball: Don't vote for me.

[Pause.]

Announcer: Anything else?

Ball: No.

Candle: That's your entire argument?

Ball: Yep.

Jar: Strong.

Candle: HOW?

Jar: Confident.

Ball: Thanks.

Lamp: Wait, can I change mine to that?

Announcer: No.

Lamp: Aw.

[Ball looks toward the camera.]

Ball: Also, do not—

[Ball stops.]

Ball: ...

Scissors: Oh boy.

Ball: Never mind.

[Pause.]

[Cuisinart suddenly straightens.]

Cuisinart: Do not eliminate Super Happy Fun Ball. Super Happy Fun Ball must remain at least sixty feet from active volcanic vents, industrial electromagnets, and—

[click]

Cuisinart: What the hell?

[Everyone stares at Ball.]

Ball: Wasn't me.

Turmeric: IT KEEPS BEING YOU.

Ball: Weird coincidence.

Pen: Several weird coincidences, actually.

Ball: Still coincidence.

Announcer: Do not remove Super Happy Fun Ball from the competition under circumstances involving public vote—

[Silence.]

Announcer: ...

Ball: Hm.

Announcer: Why did I say that?

Turmeric: THANK YOU.

Ball: No idea.

Announcer: Anyway. Audience, either Lamp or Ball is leaving BFME.

Lamp: Please don't pick me!

Ball: What she said, but me.

Lamp: Hey.

Ball: Sorry.

Lamp: It's okay.

Announcer: We'll find out next time.

Jar: There's a next time?

[Pause.]

Announcer: Hopefully.

Leaf: First, maybe annual.

Announcer: Don't.

[Cut to Rock.]

[Rock is sitting exactly where he was left.]

[One googly eye slowly begins peeling off.]

[It falls.]

[Cut to black.]

END OF EPISODE 1, PART 2

Who leaves? Vote in the comments to decide who won't be returning.