BFME 1a - Pilot

 

BFME — Episode 1, Part 1: “Pilot”

[Wide shot. Everyone is just sort of standing around.]

Lamp: So... are we supposed to be doing something?

Knife: Probably waiting.

Lamp: For what?

Knife: I don't know. Something ominous.

Lamp: Why ominous?

Knife: Because it sounds cooler.

Turmeric: It doesn't.

Knife: I wasn't asking you.

Turmeric: Good, because I would've said no.

[Nearby, Tuba makes an incredibly loud note for no reason.]

Pen: Could you not.

Tuba: WHAT?

Pen: Never mind.

Aglet: Does anybody actually know why we're here?

Jar: Yeah.

Aglet: Oh. Why?

Jar: No idea.

Aglet: Then why did you say yeah?

Jar: Felt right.

[Rock is sitting on the ground.]

Scissors: Rock probably knows.

Aglet: Rock is a rock.

Scissors: I know.

Aglet: With googly eyes.

Scissors: I KNOW.

Paper: Personally, I think Pen did this.

Pen: You've been here for thirty seconds.

Paper: Exactly.

Pen: What does that mean?

Paper: What does what mean?

Pen: You just accused me of—

Paper: Oh, right. Screw you.

Pen: Right.

Chair: Maybe we should all just calm down and—

Turmeric: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: Okay.

[Cuisinart's buttons click.]

Cuisinart: Hi! Okay! Good news! I've counted sixteen of us, and based on the environment, apparent staging, and suspiciously empty podium over there, I think we're probably contestants on some kind of competition show!

Lamp: Oh, cool.

[Cuisinart clicks again.]

Cuisinart: This is going to end terribly.

Lamp: Oh.

Cuisinart: Purée.

Bread: Could be worse, loaf of bread.

Knife: Why do you keep saying that?

Bread: Saying what, loaf of bread.

Knife: That.

Bread: I don't know what you mean, loaf of bread.

Knife: Never mind.

[Ball rolls slightly downhill.]

Aglet: Hey, Ball, you're rolling away.

Ball: Yeah.

Aglet: You gonna stop?

Ball: Eventually.

[Aglet grabs Ball.]

Ball: You probably shouldn't do that.

Aglet: Why?

Ball: Not sure.

Aglet: That's not reassuring.

Leaf: Is anyone else getting serious object-show vibes from this?

Lamp: What's an object show?

Leaf: Oh my god.

Candle: Can we focus, please? If this is a competition, we should probably figure out the rules before somebody else does.

Jar: There's rules?

Candle: There are always rules.

Leaf: Usually, yeah.

Candle: Thank you.

Leaf: Unless it's one of those weird ones.

Candle: Never mind.

Tuba: MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST START WITHOUT THEM.

Pen: Start what?

Tuba: THE CHALLENGE.

Pen: We don't have a challenge.

Tuba: THEN WE INVENT ONE.

Knife: Finally, somebody with initiative.

Turmeric: That's not initiative. That's yelling.

Knife: Same thing if you're confident enough.

Paper: Wait, what are we doing?

Scissors: Nothing.

Paper: Oh.

[Five seconds.]

Paper: What are we doing?

Scissors: Oh my god.

[Rock tips over.]

Lamp: ROCK!

Scissors: He's fine.

Lamp: How do you know?!

Scissors: Because he's a rock!

Lamp: That's really insensitive.

Scissors: HE IS LITERALLY—

[Something activates offscreen.]

[Everyone looks toward it.]

Pen: Ah.

Jar: Is that good?

Candle: Probably not.

Leaf: Oh, here we go.

Announcer: Welcome to the first, maybe annual B. F. M. E.! Tonight, our contestants, introduce yourselves!

[There's a short burst of static.]

Voice: You're not supposed to add the "maybe."

Announcer, farther from mic: Well then maybe you should go—

Voice: You left the mic on.

[click]

[Silence.]

Jar: I like this show.

Candle: Are we actually meant to introduce ourselves?

Pen: Presumably.

Chair: I can go first, if nobody else—

Turmeric: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: Okay.

Aglet: Fine. I'm Aglet.

Lamp: What's an aglet?

Aglet: Me.

Lamp: Oh.

Aglet: Also the little plastic bit on the end of a shoelace.

Lamp: Ohhh. Shoelace thing.

Aglet: Aglet.

Lamp: Right.

[Pause.]

Lamp: I'm Lamp!

Knife: We know.

Lamp: Oh yeah.

Knife: Knife. Obviously.

Turmeric: You practiced that.

Knife: No I didn't.

Turmeric: You absolutely practiced that.

Knife: Whatever.

Tuba: I'M TUBA!

Pen: Yes.

Tuba: WHAT?

Pen: We gathered.

Tuba: GOOD!

[Everyone looks at Rock.]

[Rock does nothing.]

Lamp: That's Rock.

Scissors: Why are you introducing him?

Lamp: He can't talk.

Scissors: There is a reason for that.

Lamp: He's shy.

Scissors: HE'S A—

Paper: Hi, I'm Paper.

Scissors: ...never mind.

Paper: And I don't like Pen.

Pen: We haven't met.

Paper: Yes we have.

Pen: When?

Paper: When what?

Pen: Never mind.

Scissors: I'm Scissors.

Paper: Hey, screw you too.

Scissors: What did I do?!

Paper: I don't remember.

Scissors: Great.

Turmeric: Turmeric. That's it.

Jar: That's what?

Turmeric: My introduction.

Jar: Oh. I'm Jar.

[Pause.]

Jar: This is fun.

Candle: Candle. And unlike apparently everyone else here, I would actually like to know what we're competing for.

Leaf: Yeah, same. Leaf, by the way.

Lamp: Like Leafy?

Leaf: No.

Lamp: Oh.

Leaf: Completely different.

Pen: You've answered that very quickly.

Leaf: I get it a lot.

Aglet: Do you own an island?

Leaf: Yeah.

Aglet: Why?

Leaf: Why not?

Candle: You own an island?

Leaf: Dream Isle.

[Leaf waits.]

Pen: ...seriously?

Leaf: What?

Pen: Nothing.

Leaf: It's completely unrelated.

Pen: I didn't say anything.

Leaf: Good.

Bread: I'm Bread, loaf of bread.

[Silence.]

Knife: That one's gonna get old.

Bread: Probably, loaf of bread.

Cuisinart: Cuisinart! Food processor, problem solver, team player, several excellent speeds—

[click]

Cuisinart: —and an empty plastic shell screaming into the endless machinery of existence.

Lamp: Purée?

Cuisinart: Purée.

Chair: I'm Chair.

Turmeric: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: I literally just said my name.

Turmeric: Sorry. Reflex.

Chair: Oh. That's okay.

Pen: Pen.

Paper: BOO.

Pen: Thank you, Paper.

Paper: For what?

Pen: Nothing.

Ball: Ball.

Aglet: Just Ball?

Ball: Yep.

Leaf: Is that short for something?

Ball: Yep.

Leaf: What?

Ball: Ball.

Leaf: That's not—

Ball: Ball is good.

Leaf: ...okay.

[Everyone looks around.]

Candle: Was that everyone?

Cuisinart: Sixteen accounted for!

[click]

Cuisinart: Unless one of us is an elaborate hallucination.

Jar: Could be me.

Scissors: Why would you say that?

Jar: Vibes.

Candle: Alright. We introduced ourselves. Now what?

[Everyone looks back toward the speaker.]

[Silence.]

Tuba: HELLO?

[Feedback squeals from the speaker.]

Pen: Excellent.

Announcer, muffled: This is going to be... something.

[ahem]

Announcer: Excellent. Today you sixteen are battling for—

Voice, muffled: You can't say that, they won't wanna compete.

[Pause.]

Announcer: Ahem. A mystery prize! One of you will be eliminated at the end — our audience decides.

[Silence.]

Candle: Wait.

Leaf: Yeah, no, go back.

Candle: What were you going to say?

[Silence.]

Turmeric: Specifically, what were you going to say that would make us not want to compete?

[More silence.]

Jar: Maybe it's a bad prize.

Lamp: Then why would we want it?

Jar: I don't know.

Lamp: Oh.

Pen: I feel incredibly reassured.

Paper: What are we winning?

Scissors: A mystery prize.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: What are we doing?

Scissors: Competing.

Paper: Oh, cool.

Turmeric: And the audience gets to eliminate us?

Leaf: Apparently.

Jar: We have an audience?

[Jar looks directly at the camera.]

Jar: Hi.

Candle: Fine. Whatever. Mystery prize, audience voting, sure. I'm still winning.

Aglet: You don't even know what you're winning.

Candle: Doesn't matter.

Leaf: Honestly, that's pretty standard.

Pen: For what?

Leaf: Nothing.

[The speaker is quiet for a few seconds.]

Tuba: ARE YOU STILL THERE?

[A faint drinking sound comes through the speaker.]

Announcer: sip Alright, so I hope I can trust you all with team picking. Aglet and Rock are team captains.

[Pause.]

Aglet: What?

[Everyone looks at Rock.]

[Rock remains a rock.]

Scissors: No.

Lamp: Congratulations, Rock!

Scissors: NO.

Aglet: Why me?!

Scissors: WHY HIM?!

Turmeric: Actually, yeah. Those are both pretty good questions.

Leaf: I've seen worse team captain methods.

Pen: Was there a method?

Leaf: Probably not.

Candle: So how is Rock supposed to pick anyone?

Lamp: He'll figure it out.

Scissors: HE DOES NOT HAVE A BRAIN.

Chair: Maybe somebody could pick for—

Scissors: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: Okay.

Aglet: Alright, can I at least pick first?

Announcer: Maybe rock paper scissors for it— never mind, rabbit carrot gun instead.

[Pause.]

Aglet: What is rabbit carrot gun.

Leaf: I have never heard of that.

Pen: I was rather hoping one of you had.

Turmeric: Is that even a game?

Jar: Sounds fun.

Scissors: Why didn't we just do rock paper scissors?

[Everyone slowly looks at Scissors.]

Scissors: Oh.

[Scissors looks at Paper.]

[Scissors looks at Rock.]

Scissors: Right.

Paper: What?

Scissors: Nothing.

Lamp: I wanna be rabbit!

Knife: Why?

Lamp: Rabbit sounds nice.

Knife: Gun obviously wins.

Leaf: Does it?

Knife: It's a gun.

Turmeric: Against a carrot?

Knife: Especially against a carrot.

Bread: Rabbit eats carrot, carrot jams gun, gun shoots rabbit, loaf of bread.

[Silence.]

Aglet: Did you just make that up?

Bread: Probably, loaf of bread.

Announcer: That's exactly how it works.

Pen: Of course it is.

Aglet: Fine. Rock, you ready?

[Rock does nothing.]

Aglet: Great.

Announcer: Three, two, one!

Aglet: Gun!

[Rock remains Rock.]

[Pause.]

Aglet: ...did I win?

Leaf: Technically Rock didn't pick anything.

Turmeric: So yes.

Scissors: Or no.

Lamp: Maybe Rock picked rock.

Scissors: ROCK IS NOT AN OPTION.

Lamp: Oh.

Announcer: Rock wins. Rock picks.

[Silence.]

Aglet: What.

Scissors: HOW.

[Everyone looks at Rock.]

[Rock does nothing.]

Lamp: Take your time, Rock.

Scissors: HE DOESN'T HAVE A TIME.

Turmeric: So what happens if he doesn't pick?

Pen: I imagine we remain here forever.

Jar: Could be worse.

Candle: No, actually, it couldn't.

[Rock remains motionless.]

Announcer: Rock has selected Scissors.

Scissors: NO HE HASN'T.

Announcer: Scissors, go stand by Rock.

Scissors: ON WHAT BASIS?!

Announcer: Rock's decision is final.

Scissors: ROCK DIDN'T MAKE A DECISION!

Lamp: Don't be a sore loser.

Scissors: I AM NOT LOSING ANYTHING.

[Scissors reluctantly walks over and stands beside Rock.]

Scissors: I hate this already.

Paper: Hey, can I go with them?

Scissors: No.

Paper: Why not?

Scissors: Because—

[Pause.]

Paper: What are we doing?

Scissors: Oh my god.

Aglet: Okay. My pick.

[Aglet looks over everyone.]

Candle: Pick me.

Aglet: Wow. Give me a second.

Candle: I'm just making your decision easier.

Aglet: You're making me not want to pick you.

Candle: Why?

Aglet: Principle.

Turmeric: Good principle.

Candle: Oh, come on.

Aglet: I'm picking Pen.

Pen: Sensible.

Paper: Boo.

Pen: You've been booing me for ten minutes.

Paper: Have I?

Pen: Yes.

Paper: Boo.

[Pen walks over to Aglet.]

Aglet: See? Team's already looking good.

Pen: There are two of us.

Aglet: Exactly. Undefeated.

[Across from them, Scissors looks down at Rock.]

Scissors: Alright. Apparently it's your turn again.

[Rock does nothing.]

Scissors: Go on.

[Nothing.]

Scissors: Make your incredibly informed decision.

[Rock continues being a rock.]

Lamp: Don't rush him.

Scissors: I swear to god.

Announcer: Aaaaaand... interesting choice, Rock! Paper it is.

Scissors: Of course.

Paper: What?

Scissors: You're on our team.

Paper: Oh, cool.

[Paper walks over.]

Paper: Who else is on our team?

Scissors: Me and Rock.

Paper: Nice.

[Pause.]

Paper: Who else is on our team?

Scissors: You know what? Ask Rock.

[Paper turns to Rock.]

Paper: Hey, Rock, who else is on our team?

[Rock does nothing.]

Paper: Cool.

Scissors: How was that a satisfactory answer?

Aglet: Okay, my turn again.

[Aglet looks over the remaining contestants.]

Candle: Now are you going to pick me?

Aglet: You really want this, huh?

Candle: Yes.

Aglet: Why?

Candle: Because I want to win.

Aglet: Yeah, but why?

Candle: Do I need another reason?

Aglet: ...fair.

Candle: So?

Aglet: I'm still not picking you yet.

Candle: What?!

Aglet: Cuisinart.

Cuisinart: Excellent choice! I offer culinary versatility, several useful attachments, and a commitment to teamwork!

[Cuisinart rolls over to Aglet and Pen.]

[click]

Cuisinart: You have condemned me to attachment.

Aglet: Is that bad?

Cuisinart: Ask me again in another setting.

Pen: I think we're doing rather well.

Candle: You picked the blender before me.

Cuisinart: Food processor!

Candle: Whatever!

Cuisinart: I have never forgiven you.

[click]

Cuisinart: No worries!

Candle: What is happening with you?

Aglet: You get used to it.

Pen: It's been about a minute.

Aglet: I got used to it quickly.

[Across the field, Paper is now sitting beside Rock.]

Paper: So when do we start picking teams?

Scissors: We ARE picking teams.

Paper: Oh.

Scissors: You were picked.

Paper: Nice.

Scissors: By Rock.

Paper: Really?

[Paper looks at Rock.]

Paper: Thanks, Rock.

Scissors: Stop encouraging this.

Aglet: Rock's turn again.

Scissors: Fantastic.

[Everyone looks at Rock.]

[Rock remains a rock.]

Scissors: Can't wait to see what tactical masterpiece he comes up with next.

Announcer: Bread it is! Your turn, Aglet.

Bread: Nice, loaf of bread.

Scissors: Why are you okay with this?

Bread: Could've been worse, loaf of bread.

Scissors: HOW?

Bread: Could've been Chair, loaf of bread.

Chair: Oh.

Turmeric: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: I didn't even say anything.

Turmeric: Preemptive.

Aglet: Alright, fine. Candle.

Candle: Finally.

Aglet: You happy?

Candle: Yes.

Aglet: That makes one of us.

[Candle walks over to Aglet's team.]

Candle: We should probably start thinking about challenge roles now.

Pen: We don't know the challenge.

Candle: We can still prepare.

Cuisinart: Excellent! Proactive planning! Team cohesion! Forward thinking!

[click]

Cuisinart: We are doomed by our own confidence.

Candle: Can you not do that right now?

Cuisinart: No promises.

[Across the field, Paper is staring at Bread.]

Paper: Why do you keep saying "loaf of bread"?

Bread: Saying what, loaf of bread.

Paper: That.

Bread: I don't know what you mean, loaf of bread.

Paper: Huh.

[Pause.]

Paper: Why do you keep saying "loaf of bread"?

Scissors: Oh no.

Bread: Saying what, loaf of bread.

Scissors: Please stop talking to each other.

Bread: Sure, loaf of bread.

Paper: Stop talking about what?

Scissors: I hate both of you.

[Rock sits between them, motionless.]

Scissors: And somehow you're still the easiest one here.

Lamp: Aww.

Scissors: That was not a compliment.

Aglet: Rock's turn.

Scissors: Wonderful.

[Everyone looks toward Rock.]

[Rock remains a rock.]

Turmeric: I'm starting to think this selection process might not be completely merit-based.

Pen: What gave it away?

Turmeric: The rock.

Announcer: Leaf... interesting choice indeed.

Leaf: Oh.

[Leaf looks at Rock's team.]

Leaf: Honestly? Could be worse.

Scissors: Name how.

Leaf: Well, we've got—

[Leaf looks at Rock.]

[Leaf looks at Paper.]

Paper: Hi.

[Leaf looks at Bread.]

Bread: Hey, loaf of bread.

Leaf: ...I'll get back to you.

[Leaf walks over.]

Scissors: You watch these things, right?

Leaf: Yeah.

Scissors: Does this usually happen?

Leaf: No.

Scissors: Great.

Leaf: Usually the teams have names by now.

Scissors: We are not naming this team.

Paper: What team?

Scissors: Ours.

Paper: We have a team?

Scissors: YES.

Paper: Oh, cool.

Leaf: I have a suggestion.

Scissors: No.

Leaf: You don't even know what it is.

Scissors: If it's "Rock Paper Scissors," I'm leaving.

Leaf: It wasn't.

Scissors: What was it?

Leaf: Rock Paper Scissors Bread.

[Scissors stares at Leaf.]

Leaf: I'll workshop it.

Aglet: My turn?

Announcer: Yep.

Aglet: Turmeric.

Turmeric: Good.

Aglet: That's it?

Turmeric: You made the correct decision. What else do you want?

Aglet: Maybe a thank you?

Turmeric: Don't push it.

[Turmeric joins Aglet's team.]

Candle: Alright. That's five. We've got planning, Cuisinart's... whatever Cuisinart does—

Cuisinart: Many things!

Candle: —Turmeric—

Turmeric: Me.

Candle: Pen, Aglet—

Pen: You are just listing us.

Candle: I'm taking inventory.

Pen: We can see each other.

Candle: It's called preparation.

Turmeric: I was excited to get picked until about ten seconds ago.

Aglet: Welcome aboard.

[Across the field, Leaf is examining Rock.]

Leaf: You know, Rock's strategy is actually kind of fascinating.

Scissors: THERE IS NO STRATEGY.

Leaf: That's what makes it fascinating.

Paper: Who's Rock?

[Scissors points directly down.]

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: Who's Rock?

Scissors: Leaf, I need you to stop encouraging everybody.

Leaf: Can't. I'm studying the meta.

Scissors: THE META IS A ROCK.

Bread: Strong meta, loaf of bread.

Scissors: You too.

Aglet: Alright. Rock's pick.

[Everyone turns toward Rock again.]

[Nothing.]

Leaf: Let's see what he does.

Scissors: He is going to sit there.

[Rock sits there.]

Leaf: Bold.

Scissors: I hate you.

Announcer: Knife! A sharp pick, if I do say so myself.

[Silence.]

Knife: I was going to say that.

Turmeric: Of course you were.

Knife: Shut up.

Turmeric: See? That's why his was better.

[Knife walks over to Rock's team.]

Leaf: Welcome.

Knife: Thanks.

Scissors: Don't.

Knife: Don't what?

Scissors: Encourage this team.

Knife: What, because we're cutting-edge?

Scissors: Oh my god.

Knife: We're really gonna slice through the competition.

Scissors: I will throw you.

Bread: Pretty sharp jokes, loaf of bread.

Knife: Thank you.

Scissors: THEY'RE NOT.

Paper: What jokes?

Knife: I like this team.

Scissors: You won't.

Aglet: Okay, my turn. Ball.

Ball: Sure.

[Ball starts rolling toward Aglet's team.]

Aglet: Wait, actually, what's your full name?

[Ball stops.]

Ball: Ball.

Aglet: You said earlier it was short for something.

Ball: Did I?

Pen: You did.

Ball: Hm.

Cuisinart: Ooh! Secret name!

Ball: It's not important.

Turmeric: Now it's important.

Ball: It really isn't.

Candle: We're wasting time.

Turmeric: For once, I disagree. What's the name?

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball.

[Silence.]

Knife: PFF—

Ball: Don't.

[Knife stops.]

Leaf: There's no way.

Ball: Yeah.

Pen: Your full name is Super Happy Fun Ball.

Ball: Unfortunately.

Turmeric: Who did that to you?

Ball: Don't know.

Cuisinart: That's adorable!

[click]

Cuisinart: Do not taunt Super Happy Fun Ball.

[Pause.]

Aglet: What?

Cuisinart: What?

Aglet: You just said—

Cuisinart: Purée.

Ball: Anyway.

[Ball rolls over to Aglet's side.]

Candle: Good. Six.

Aglet: Six?

Pen: Counting yourself.

Aglet: Right.

Candle: We're doing pretty well.

Turmeric: Please stop saying that before something happens.

[Across the field, Tuba is trying to balance Rock on the bell of the tuba.]

Turmeric: There.

Aglet: Fair.

Leaf: So, teams are done.

Candle: Do we need names?

Leaf: Probably.

Scissors: No.

Knife: Absolutely.

Scissors: No.

Knife: I have ideas.

Scissors: That's exactly why I'm saying no.

Jar: We could be Team Jar.

Leaf: Why?

Jar: I don't know.

Bread: Team Loaf, loaf of bread.

Scissors: No.

Tuba: TEAM TUBA!

Scissors: NO.

Paper: What are we naming?

Scissors: Nothing.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: I have an idea.

Scissors: No.

Paper: Team Paper.

Scissors: NO.

Leaf: Rock is technically captain.

Scissors: Don't you dare.

Leaf: So shouldn't Rock name the team?

Scissors: Rock cannot name anything.

Knife: Maybe he's already named it.

Scissors: How.

Knife: Silently.

Scissors: That's not how names work.

[Rock's left googly eye shifts slightly in the breeze.]

Jar: He has spoken.

Scissors: I am surrounded by idiots.

[On Aglet's side.]

Lamp: We should be Team Bright!

Turmeric: No.

Lamp: Team Super Bright!

Turmeric: Worse.

Cuisinart: Team Efficient Multifunctional Collaborative Processing Unit!

Pen: Bit long.

Cuisinart: EMCPU!

Pen: Somehow worse.

Ball: Could just not have a name.

Leaf, from across the field: You need a team name!

Ball: Why?

Leaf: Because that's how object shows work!

Pen: I fear he's right.

Candle: Fine. We can figure that out later. What's the first challenge?

[Everyone turns toward the speaker.]

[Silence.]

Tuba: HELLOOOOO?

[Feedback.]

Pen: There it is.

Announcer: Alright, first I need you all to pick a special contestant to serve a certain role. Everyone gets one vote, no voting for yourself, team captains exempt from voting or being voted.

Candle: What role?

[Silence.]

Candle: What role?

Leaf: I don't think he's gonna tell us.

Candle: Then what are we voting based on?

Jar: Vibes.

Candle: We are not voting based on vibes.

Jar: I'm voting based on vibes.

Turmeric: Same.

Candle: Why.

Turmeric: Because we have literally nothing else.

Pen: Rather difficult to assess someone's qualifications for an undisclosed position.

Knife: Pick me.

Scissors: Why?

Knife: Because it sounds important.

Turmeric: That's actually a reason not to pick you.

Knife: You wound me.

Scissors: Don't.

Knife: Wasn't even a pun.

Scissors: I don't trust you anymore.

Paper: What are we voting for?

Scissors: A special contestant.

Paper: What's special about them?

Scissors: WE DON'T KNOW.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: What are we voting for?

Scissors: Pick somebody.

Paper: Okay.

Leaf: Do we just say our votes out loud?

Announcer: [silence]

Pen: Apparently.

Candle: Fine. I'm voting for Pen.

Pen: Me?

Candle: You seem responsible.

Paper: I vote Pen too.

Pen: That's surprisingly civil.

Paper: Screw you.

Pen: There it is.

Scissors: I'm voting Leaf.

Leaf: Huh.

Scissors: You know how these shows work. Maybe that helps.

Leaf: Finally, my hours of BFDI have become professionally relevant.

Turmeric: That's depressing.

Leaf: I'm voting Candle.

Candle: Thank you.

Leaf: You care more than everyone else.

Candle: Exactly.

Jar: I vote Ball.

Ball: Why?

Jar: Round.

Ball: Fair.

Turmeric: I'm voting Cuisinart.

Cuisinart: Thank you! I am equipped for leadership, logistics, culinary support, and—

[click]

Cuisinart: —you have made an irreversible mistake.

Turmeric: Still voting for you.

Cuisinart: Appreciated.

Pen: I'll vote for Candle as well.

Candle: See? Sensible.

Knife: I'm voting myself.

Leaf: You can't.

Knife: Right.

[Pause.]

Knife: Scissors.

Scissors: Why me?

Knife: Sharp minds think alike.

Scissors: I regret asking.

Bread: I'll vote for Ball, loaf of bread.

Ball: Okay.

Lamp: I vote Chair!

Chair: Really?

Lamp: Yeah!

Chair: Oh. Thanks.

Turmeric: Don't make me say it.

Chair: I wasn't—

Turmeric: Good.

Chair: ...okay.

Tuba: I VOTE FOR LAMP!

Lamp: YAY!

Tuba: YOU'RE WELCOME!

Lamp: THANK YOU!

Pen: Please don't encourage each other.

Cuisinart: I vote for Pen! Reliable, organized, sensible—

[click]

Cuisinart: —and therefore the ideal sacrifice.

Pen: The ideal what?

Cuisinart: What?

Pen: You said sacrifice.

Cuisinart: Did I?

Ball: I vote for Bread.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball should not be submerged in—

[Ball stops.]

[Everyone looks at Ball.]

Ball: ...I vote for Bread.

Leaf: You started saying something else.

Ball: No I didn't.

Jar: You definitely did.

Ball: No.

Paper: What did he say?

Scissors: Nothing important.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: What did he say?

Scissors: I walked into that.

Chair: I guess I'll vote for Lamp too. She's been nice to me.

Lamp: Aww!

Turmeric: Weak reasoning.

Chair: Sorry.

Lamp: Hey!

Turmeric: Not you. Him.

Chair: Sorry.

Turmeric: Stop apologizing.

Chair: Sorry.

Turmeric: Chair.

Chair: Right.

Bread: I already voted for Ball, loaf of bread.

Scissors: Right.

Paper: What?

Scissors: You voted for Pen.

Paper: Why would I vote for Pen?

Pen: An excellent question.

Paper: Screw you.

Pen: Thank you.

Leaf: That's everyone except—

[Leaf counts.]

Leaf: Wait. Did Jar vote?

Jar: Ball.

Leaf: Right.

Jar: Did I win?

Candle: This isn't—

[Pause.]

Candle: Actually, we don't know what this is.

Jar: Nice.

Aglet: So neither me nor Rock vote.

Scissors: Rock has contributed exactly as much to this vote as he did to team picking.

Lamp: He picked a great team!

Scissors: He picked us at random!

Leaf: You can't prove that.

Scissors: HE DIDN'T PICK ANYONE.

[Rock remains motionless.]

Bread: Strong leadership, loaf of bread.

Scissors: I'm going to lose my mind.

Candle: Can we get the results now?

Announcer: You guys need to vote for someone on your own team.

[Silence.]

Candle: You didn't say that.

Announcer: I thought it was implied.

Pen: It was not.

Leaf: Yeah, no, that's kind of important.

Jar: Can I change mine?

Candle: You have to change yours.

Jar: Oh.

Scissors: So which votes actually counted?

Pen: Mine for Candle.

Candle: Mine for Pen.

Turmeric: Cuisinart.

Cuisinart: Pen!

Lamp: Chair!

Chair: Lamp.

Knife: Scissors.

Scissors: Leaf.

[Pause.]

Paper: I voted for Pen.

Scissors: Pen is on the other team.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: Who did I vote for?

Scissors: Pick somebody on THIS SIDE.

Paper: Okay.

[Paper looks around.]

Paper: Scissors.

Scissors: Why me?

Paper: You seem familiar.

Scissors: We've been standing next to each other for twenty minutes.

Paper: Oh.

Scissors: ...I'll take it.

Bread: Guess I need another vote, loaf of bread.

Bread: Leaf, loaf of bread.

Leaf: Thanks.

Bread: You're welcome, loaf of bread.

Tuba: I VOTE FOR KNIFE!

Knife: Hell yeah.

Scissors: Why?

Tuba: HE LOOKS LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!

Turmeric, from the other team: He doesn't!

Knife: Stay out of this!

Jar: Hmm.

[Jar looks at everyone on Rock's team.]

Jar: I vote Bread.

Bread: Thanks, loaf of bread.

Jar: Sure.

Leaf: I guess I need to redo mine too.

Scissors: Please pick someone sane.

[Leaf looks at Scissors.]

Scissors: Don't make that face.

Leaf: I'm voting Scissors.

Scissors: Okay.

Leaf: Mostly because watching you deal with this team is funny.

Scissors: There it is.

[On Aglet's team.]

Ball: I have to change mine.

Candle: Correct.

Ball: Lamp.

Lamp: Yay!

Ball: You seem nice.

Lamp: Double yay!

[Pause.]

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball should never be placed in direct sunlight for more than—

[Ball stops.]

Pen: There it is again.

Ball: There what is?

Turmeric: That weird disclaimer thing.

Ball: I don't know what you're talking about.

Cuisinart: Super Happy Fun Ball may react adversely to—

[Cuisinart stops.]

Cuisinart: Huh.

Turmeric: Okay, that's definitely a thing.

Ball: No it isn't.

Aglet: Why are you arguing that it isn't?

Ball: Because it isn't.

Candle: Can we deal with Ball's... whatever this is later?

Ball: Preferred.

Jar, from across the field: I like Ball.

Turmeric: We know.

Aglet: So that's everyone, right?

Pen: I believe so.

Paper: Everyone for what?

Scissors: Don't.

Paper: Okay.

[Pause.]

Paper: Why not?

Scissors: Because I asked nicely.

Paper: Oh. Fair.

[Everyone looks toward the speaker.]

Candle: Alright. Now can you tell us who got picked?

Announcer: Alright, Scissors wins. Pen and Lamp... have a tie. Aglet, you pick which one wins.

Aglet: Oh, come on.

Lamp: Pick me!

Pen: I was going to say "take your time," but apparently we're campaigning now.

Lamp: Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Turmeric: Compelling argument.

Candle: Pen.

Lamp: Hey!

Candle: We still don't know what the role is. Pen is the safer choice.

Cuisinart: Agreed! Pen demonstrates excellent judgment, organization, emotional stability—

[click]

Cuisinart: —and would be easiest to blame when everything collapses.

Pen: Lovely.

Chair: I think Lamp would do a good job.

Lamp: Thanks, Chair!

Chair: You're welcome.

Turmeric: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: Right.

Ball: I voted for Lamp.

Aglet: I know.

Ball: Just reminding you.

Lamp: See?

Pen: I'm not particularly bothered either way.

Aglet: That's actually helping your case.

Pen: Ah.

Lamp: Wait, should I pretend I don't care?

Turmeric: Too late.

Lamp: Dang it.

Aglet: Okay... Pen.

Pen: Right.

Lamp: Aww.

Aglet: Sorry.

Lamp: It's okay!

[Pause.]

Lamp: What did he win?

Pen: We still don't know.

Lamp: Oh yeah!

[Across the field.]

Scissors: Great. So Pen and I are the special contestants.

Paper: Congratulations.

Scissors: Thanks.

Paper: For what?

Scissors: I don't know.

Paper: Nice.

Leaf: This could either be really good or really bad.

Scissors: Based on everything so far, which one do you think?

Leaf: Really funny.

Scissors: That's not one of the options.

Knife: Maybe you're team champions.

Scissors: Maybe I'm team sacrifice.

Cuisinart, from across the field: THAT WAS MY GUESS!

Scissors: I WAS JOKING.

Pen: Whatever this is, I'm sure the production has thought it through carefully.

[The speaker crackles.]

Pen: I immediately regret saying that.

Announcer: Scissors, Pen, let's see if your teams can protect you. Welcome to episode one's first chall—

Voices, muffled: Wait, weren't they not supposed to know they were on a game show?

Announcer, to the voices: I hope you know you're o—

[ahem]

Announcer: Sorry, let me just—

[Mic interference.]

Announcer: Welcome to your first challenge. Scissors, Pen, get in the two squares.

[Two large squares appear on opposite sides of the area.]

[Between them are two rows of seven circles, with a blank space in the center.]

[Everyone stares.]

Jar: Oh, cool.

Candle: What is that.

Leaf: Looks like some kind of board.

Scissors: Why are there fourteen circles?

Pen: Presumably for the fourteen of them.

Scissors: Oh.

Pen: The captains excluded, perhaps.

Aglet: Hey.

Pen: You already got captain privileges.

Aglet: I got forced into being captain.

[Rock sits there.]

Scissors: And he got promoted.

Lamp: Good for him!

Scissors: Stop congratulating the rock.

Announcer: Scissors. Pen. Squares.

Pen: Right.

[Pen walks into one square.]

Scissors: Do I have to?

Announcer: Yes.

Scissors: Great.

[Scissors walks into the other square.]

[The square beneath Scissors lights up.]

Scissors: I don't like that.

Paper: Where'd Scissors go?

Leaf: He's right there.

Paper: Oh.

[Pause.]

Paper: Why is he in a square?

Scissors: Don't worry about it.

Paper: Okay.

[Pause.]

Paper: Why are you in a square?

Scissors: I walked into that one.

Knife: So we're protecting them?

Candle: Apparently.

Knife: From what?

[Silence.]

Turmeric: I assume that's the part he was about to explain before production nearly imploded.

Cuisinart: Maybe the circles are positions!

[click]

Cuisinart: Or graves.

Chair: Could be seats.

Turmeric: Thank you, Chair.

Chair: Really?

Turmeric: No. Shut up, Chair.

Chair: Oh.

Bread: They do look like spots to stand in, loaf of bread.

Leaf: Fourteen circles, fourteen non-captains.

Aglet: So everyone except me and Rock goes in one?

Pen: Seems likely.

Scissors: Why is there a gap in the middle?

Jar: Maybe that's where the fun goes.

Candle: What does that mean?

Jar: No idea.

[Ball rolls toward one of the circles.]

Ball: This one mine?

Announcer: Not yet.

[Ball rolls back.]

Ball: Okay.

Tuba: CAN I HAVE THE FRONT ONE?

Knife: Why?

Tuba: BECAUSE I'M LOUD.

Knife: Fair.

Scissors: That is not a tactical reason.

Tuba: IT IS IF THE CHALLENGE IS YELLING!

Scissors: Is it?

[Silence.]

Tuba: MAYBE!

Pen: We're off to a brilliant start.

Lamp: Do we get to pick where we stand?

Leaf: Probably.

Candle: Then we should actually think about placement.

Turmeric: For a challenge we know nothing about.

Candle: Yes.

Turmeric: You really were born for this.

Candle: Thank you.

Turmeric: That wasn't a compliment.

Candle: Still counts.

[Scissors looks across the wall of circles toward Pen.]

Scissors: Hey.

Pen: Yes?

Scissors: Can you see me?

Pen: Barely.

Scissors: Great. Just checking.

Paper: Who are you talking to?

Scissors: Pen.

Paper: Oh.

[Paper looks across.]

Paper: Screw you, Pen!

Pen: Thank you, Paper.

[The speaker crackles.]

Leaf: Okay, Announcer. What are the circles for?

Announcer: Alright, so everyone get in the circles in front of your team's representative.

[Everyone looks at the circles.]

Candle: Any particular order?

Announcer: [silence]

Candle: Of course.

Leaf: Seven spots. Seven of us.

Aglet: Including me, apparently.

Pen: Seems so.

Aglet: So much for captain privileges.

[On the other side, everyone looks at Rock.]

Scissors: Great.

Leaf: What?

Scissors: We have to get Rock into one.

Lamp, from the other side: I can help!

Scissors: No, we're capable of moving a rock.

Lamp: Okay!

[Tuba picks Rock up.]

Tuba: I GOT HIM!

Scissors: Careful—

[Tuba drops Rock directly into the nearest circle.]

THUNK.

Scissors: ...with him.

Lamp: Nice landing, Rock!

Scissors: Please stop acting like he did that.

[Rock's googly eyes wobble.]

Jar: He's locked in.

Knife: Front line material.

Scissors: HE'S A PAPERWEIGHT.

Paper: Hey.

Scissors: Not you.

Paper: Oh.

[Rock's team starts spreading out.]

Leaf: Maybe we should actually think about this.

Knife: Put me in front.

Leaf: Why?

Knife: Obvious reasons.

Bread: Pointy, loaf of bread.

Knife: Exactly.

Scissors: We still don't know what we're defending against.

Knife: Doesn't matter.

Jar: I'll stand here.

[Jar steps into a completely arbitrary circle.]

Leaf: Why there?

Jar: Felt right.

Leaf: Sure.

Paper: Where do I go?

Scissors: Somewhere.

Paper: Okay.

[Paper steps into a circle.]

[Five seconds.]

Paper: Why am I standing here?

Scissors: Because we're doing a challenge.

Paper: Nice.

Bread: I'll take this one, loaf of bread.

Tuba: I WANT THE FRONT!

Leaf: There isn't really a "front." They're all between us and Scissors.

Tuba: THEN I WANT THE MOST FRONT ONE!

Leaf: ...take that one.

Tuba: YES!

[Tuba stomps into a circle.]

Scissors: So my defensive line is a rock, an amnesiac, a loaf of bread, a guy with a knife, Jar, a BFDI fan, and Tuba.

Leaf: Yep.

Scissors: Awesome.

Knife: You forgot "elite tactical unit."

Scissors: No I didn't.

[On Pen's side.]

Candle: We should put Ball toward the middle.

Ball: Why?

Candle: You're difficult to move.

Ball: Probably.

Turmeric: "Probably" is not reassuring.

Ball: I don't know how much I weigh.

Lamp: I can stand next to Ball!

Candle: Fine.

Cuisinart: I can take an outer position! Wide base, multiple functions, excellent defensive potential!

[click]

Cuisinart: Place me wherever you think the casualties will be funniest.

Chair: Maybe I could stand near the back—

Turmeric: You're standing wherever there's a free circle.

Chair: That works too.

Aglet: I'll go here.

[Aglet takes one of the center-ish circles.]

Pen: Comfortable with that?

Aglet: Not remotely.

Pen: Good.

Turmeric: I'll take the other side.

Candle: Okay. Lamp and Ball near center, Aglet and Turmeric around them, Cuisinart outside, Chair—

Chair: Wherever.

Candle: Right.

Chair: Sorry.

Turmeric: Don't.

Chair: Right.

[Candle takes the last open circle.]

Pen: That appears to be everyone.

[Wide shot of both formations.]

[Pen and Scissors stand in their squares at the back of their respective sides. Seven teammates stand in circles in front of each of them.]

[Rock is slightly crooked in his circle.]

Scissors: Can somebody straighten Rock?

Leaf: Why?

Scissors: He's bothering me.

Leaf: You said he wasn't sentient.

Scissors: THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN BE CROOKED.

[Leaf nudges Rock upright.]

Scissors: Thank you.

Paper: What's Rock?

Scissors: Don't start.

[Across the gap, Lamp waves.]

Lamp: Hi, Scissors!

Scissors: Hi.

Lamp: Hi, Paper!

Paper: Hi!

Lamp: Hi, Rock!

Scissors: He cannot—

Tuba: HI, LAMP!

Lamp: HI, TUBA!

Pen: Please don't start this.

Tuba: WHAT?

Pen: Exactly.

Candle: Alright, we're in position. Now can we finally learn what we're protecting Pen and Scissors from?

Knife: I'm hoping projectiles.

Scissors: Why would you hope that?

Knife: Gives me something to cut.

Leaf: That's not generally how projectiles work.

Knife: Not with that attitude.

Ball: Could be something worse.

Turmeric: Such as?

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball should never be used as a defensive barrier against—

[Ball stops.]

[Everyone looks at Ball.]

Ball: Huh.

Candle: Against what?

Ball: Don't know.

Cuisinart: In the event Super Happy Fun Ball begins—

[Cuisinart stops.]

Turmeric: Okay, that's getting really weird.

Ball: No it isn't.

Aglet: It definitely is.

Ball: No.

[Pause.]

Jar, from the other team: I believe him.

Scissors: Why?

Jar: Vibes.

[The speaker crackles.]

Pen: Here we go.

[Everyone faces forward.]

Announcer: Everyone, look at your hands. The snowball will reappear in your hand if destroyed. Scissors, Pen, as targets, your team has to protect you. Don't get hit or fall off. Teams, throw snowballs at the other team's target and defend your own. One last thing — the snowballs are REA—

[The mic cuts out.]

[Silence.]

Scissors: Are what?

Pen: That's usually not where you want the sentence to end.

[The ground rumbles.]

Lamp: Uh.

[The squares beneath Scissors and Pen rise sharply into the air, each becoming a small platform balanced on a narrow pole.]

Scissors: OH, COME ON—

[Both team formations rise separately after them, the circles becoming larger suspended platforms.]

Tuba: WOOOOOO!

Chair: Oh, that's high.

Turmeric: Don't look down.

Chair: I already did.

Turmeric: Then stop.

Chair: Okay.

[Scissors grabs the edge of his platform.]

Scissors: Why am I on the LITTLE one?!

Leaf: Because you're the target.

Scissors: I UNDERSTAND THAT PART.

Pen: At least ours appear structurally sound.

[Pen looks down.]

Pen: Mostly.

Candle: Everyone stay where you are.

Jar: Can we move?

Candle: Probably.

Jar: Cool.

Candle: That wasn't permission.

Jar: Oh.

[Snowballs suddenly appear in everyone's hands.]

Lamp: Ooh!

[Lamp squeezes hers.]

POOF.

[Another snowball instantly appears in her hand.]

Lamp: OOH!

Aglet: Okay, don't waste them.

Lamp: But they come back.

Aglet: That's not the point.

Lamp: What is the point?

Aglet: ...actually, fair.

[Knife examines his snowball.]

Knife: This feels too light.

Leaf: It's snow.

Knife: Exactly.

[Knife tosses it upward and catches it.]

Knife: Weak.

Ball: I wouldn't assume that.

Knife: Why?

Ball: Just wouldn't.

[Cuisinart suddenly stiffens.]

Cuisinart: Super Happy Fun Ball should not be struck with high-velocity frozen projectiles.

[Pause.]

Cuisinart: Why do I know that?

Ball: You don't.

Turmeric: You literally just said it.

Ball: No I didn't.

Turmeric: You didn't say anything.

Ball: Exactly.

Turmeric: ...I hate this.

[On Rock's team, Tuba is already winding up.]

Scissors: Do NOT throw anything yet.

Tuba: I'M PRACTICING!

Scissors: Practice holding still!

Tuba: I'M GREAT AT THAT!

[Tuba immediately slips a little.]

Leaf: Demonstrably false.

Paper: What are we doing?

Scissors: Throw snowballs at Pen.

Paper: Who's Pen?

Scissors: The guy you hate.

Paper: Oh!

[Paper immediately turns toward Pen.]

Paper: Screw you!

[Paper throws.]

Scissors: WAIT—

[The snowball sails nowhere near Pen and disappears into the gap.]

Paper: Nice.

[Another snowball appears in Paper's hand.]

Paper: Hey, snowball.

Scissors: Please retain information for ten seconds. That's all I ask.

Bread: Could be difficult, loaf of bread.

Scissors: Thank you, Bread.

Bread: You're welcome, loaf of bread.

Leaf: We should probably put Rock somewhere useful.

Scissors: He is a rock.

Leaf: Exactly. Cover.

Scissors: That is the first good argument anyone has made for Rock.

[Leaf nudges Rock toward the side facing Pen.]

Scissors: Wait, don't put him too close to the edge.

Leaf: You care about him now?

Scissors: I care about not having to explain why our captain fell six stories.

Jar: Could be funny.

Scissors: No.

[Across the gap.]

Candle: Okay. We need people defending Pen and people attacking Scissors.

Turmeric: Finally.

Candle: Ball, center.

Ball: Sure.

Candle: Cuisinart, defense.

Cuisinart: Happily!

[click]

Cuisinart: I will become the wall upon which they break.

Candle: That works.

Cuisinart: Great!

Aglet: I'll throw.

Lamp: Me too!

Candle: Can you aim?

Lamp: Probably!

Candle: That's not—

Lamp: I can find out!

Pen: I'm deeply reassured.

Chair: What should I do?

Candle: Block things.

Chair: Okay.

Turmeric: That may actually be your ideal job.

Chair: Thanks.

Turmeric: Shut up, Chair.

Chair: Right.

[Pen looks across at Scissors.]

Pen: Best of luck.

Scissors: You too.

Knife: That's way too polite.

Scissors: It's a snowball fight.

Knife: It's WAR.

Leaf: No, it's a snowball fight.

Knife: Same thing with worse weapons.

[Scissors looks down at the enormous drop.]

Scissors: Worse?

Leaf: Good point.

[A snowball rolls off one of the platforms and falls for a very long time.]

[Everyone watches it disappear.]

Chair: So... probably don't fall.

Turmeric: Excellent deduction.

[The speaker crackles back to life.]

Announcer, faintly: —LLY powerful, so don't get knocked off the platform.

[Everyone stares at the speaker.]

Scissors: NOW YOU TELL US?!

Pen: Wonderful timing.

Lamp: How powerful is "really powerful"?

[Silence.]

Knife: Only one way to find out.

Scissors: NO.

Knife: What?

Scissors: I know that face.

Knife: I don't have a face.

Scissors: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[Candle grips her snowball.]

Candle: Everyone ready?

Jar: For what?

Leaf: The challenge.

Jar: Oh yeah.

Tuba: READY!

Paper: Ready for what?

Scissors: Close enough.

[Both teams tense up.]

[Rock does not.]

Announcer: I mean, not too powerful. Er, maybe—you know what, go find out in 3.

Scissors: "Maybe"?!

Announcer: 2.

Candle: Positions!

Announcer: 1.

Tuba: AAAAAAAAA—

Announcer: Throw!

[Absolute chaos.]

[About twelve snowballs cross the gap at once.]

Scissors: DUCK—

[Scissors drops flat.]

[Three snowballs sail over him.]

Pen: Ah.

[Pen calmly steps sideways as two snowballs pass.]

[One clips the edge of Pen's platform.]

WHAM.

[The entire platform jerks.]

Pen: ...right.

Scissors: NOT TOO POWERFUL?!

[On Aglet's team, Candle is already throwing another.]

Candle: Keep pressure on Scissors!

Lamp: Okay!

[Lamp throws directly at Rock.]

THUNK.

[Rock slides backwards about a foot.]

Lamp: Sorry, Rock!

Scissors: WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO HIM?!

Lamp: I hit him!

Scissors: THAT IS THE CHALLENGE!

Lamp: Oh yeah!

[Another snowball appears in Lamp's hand.]

Lamp: Sorry in advance, Rock!

Scissors: STOP TARGETING THE ROCK!

Turmeric: Honestly, it's working.

[Rock takes another hit and slides several inches closer to the edge.]

Leaf: Okay, yeah, move Rock.

Scissors: THANK YOU.

[Leaf grabs Rock and pulls him back.]

Knife: Coward.

Leaf: He's our captain.

Knife: Exactly. He should lead from the front.

Scissors: HE CANNOT LEAD FROM ANYWHERE.

[Knife hurls a snowball toward Pen.]

[Chair steps in front of it.]

WHAM.

Chair: Whoa—

[Chair is launched backwards.]

Turmeric: Chair!

[Chair skids toward the edge.]

Chair: Uh—

[Turmeric grabs one of Chair's legs.]

Chair: Thanks!

Turmeric: Stop being so easy to push over!

Chair: Sorry!

Turmeric: That's not—

[Another snowball nails Turmeric in the shoulder.]

Turmeric: OH, COME ON.

[She nearly loses her grip on Chair.]

Chair: Sorry!

Turmeric: WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?!

Chair: I don't know!

[Cuisinart rolls in and catches Chair against their side.]

Cuisinart: Teammate secured!

[click]

Cuisinart: Release him.

Chair: What?

Cuisinart: Purée.

Turmeric: Don't release him.

Cuisinart: Fair.

[Across the gap, Bread weighs a snowball in one hand.]

Leaf: Bread, you throwing?

Bread: Waiting, loaf of bread.

Leaf: For what?

Bread: Shot, loaf of bread.

[Pen moves sideways to avoid one of Tuba's throws.]

[Bread immediately underhands the snowball.]

Leaf: Why are you throwing it like—

[The snowball lands on Pen's small platform, skips once, and rockets directly past his ankle.]

Pen: Good lord.

Bread: Missed, loaf of bread.

Scissors: You can DO that?!

Bread: Petanque, loaf of bread.

Scissors: With snowballs?!

Bread: Ball's a ball, loaf of bread.

Scissors: That doesn't answer—

Bread: Snowball's a ball too, loaf of bread.

Scissors: ...you know what, keep doing that.

[Bread smiles and takes another snowball.]

Candle: Watch Bread!

Aglet: The bread?

Candle: YES, THE BREAD.

Aglet: That's a sentence.

[Paper looks across the gap.]

Paper: Hey, Pen!

Pen: Oh no.

Paper: Screw you!

[Paper throws.]

[Pen dodges.]

[Another snowball appears.]

Paper: Hey, Pen!

Pen: Surely not.

Paper: Screw you!

[Paper throws again.]

Pen: He's essentially automated.

Scissors: PAPER, KEEP DOING THAT!

Paper: Doing what?

Scissors: Look at Pen.

[Paper looks.]

Paper: Oh, screw that guy.

[Paper throws.]

Scissors: PERFECT.

Leaf: You found the exploit.

Scissors: I FOUND THE ONE THING HE REMEMBERS.

[Paper continues pelting snowballs at Pen every few seconds, each time apparently rediscovering his hatred.]

Pen: This feels personal.

Scissors: IT IS! HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHY!

[On Aglet's side.]

Candle: Lamp, cover Paper!

Lamp: Cover him with what?

Candle: Snowballs!

Lamp: Oh!

[Lamp throws at Paper.]

[The snowball hits Paper squarely and launches him backwards.]

Paper: WHOA—

[Paper lands on his back.]

[Pause.]

Paper: Where am I?

Scissors: PAPER, GET UP!

Paper: Why?

Scissors: PEN'S OVER THERE.

[Paper sits up.]

Paper: THAT BASTARD.

[He throws from the ground.]

Pen: Remarkable.

[Ball has spent most of this time standing still while snowballs bounce or break around him.]

Aglet: Ball, you gonna throw?

Ball: Eventually.

Aglet: We could use the help now.

Ball: I'm defending.

[A snowball comes straight toward Lamp.]

[Ball rolls sideways into its path.]

WHAM.

[Ball barely moves.]

Lamp: Wow!

Ball: See?

Lamp: You're really good at being hit!

Ball: Thanks.

Cuisinart: Super Happy Fun Ball may absorb impacts far exceeding expected—

[Cuisinart stops.]

Turmeric: There it is AGAIN.

Cuisinart: What?

Turmeric: The Ball thing!

Cuisinart: What Ball thing?

Ball: No Ball thing.

Aglet: Ball, are you doing that?

Ball: Doing what?

Aglet: I don't know!

Ball: Then probably not.

[Knife throws directly at Ball.]

WHAM.

[Ball rolls backwards several inches.]

Knife: Hah!

Ball: Super Happy Fun Ball should not be struck repeatedly.

Knife: What?

Ball: What?

Knife: You just—

Ball: Throw another one.

Knife: Gladly.

Leaf: Knife—

[Knife throws again.]

WHAM.

[Ball rolls another foot.]

Ball: Do not taunt Super Happy Fun Ball.

[Knife freezes.]

Knife: ...I wasn't going to.

Ball: Good.

[Pause.]

Knife: Why did I just decide that?

Leaf: Decide what?

Knife: Nothing.

[Knife very deliberately starts throwing at somebody else.]

Scissors: Why'd you stop shooting Ball?

Knife: Felt wrong.

Jar: Vibes.

Knife: Shut up.

Jar: Okay.

[Tuba takes an enormous wind-up.]

Leaf: Tuba, maybe don't—

Tuba: PEN!

Pen: Yes?

[Tuba throws.]

[The snowball goes wildly high.]

Scissors: Great aim.

Tuba: I WASN'T DONE!

[Tuba inhales.]

Leaf: Wait.

[Tuba blasts a huge note into the back of the airborne snowball.]

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAA—

[The air catches it.]

[The snowball abruptly changes course.]

Pen: Oh.

[Pen ducks.]

[The snowball screams over his head and smashes into Cuisinart.]

Cuisinart: WHEEEEE!

[Cuisinart spins violently.]

[click click click click click]

Cuisinart: WHISK! PURÉE! CHOP! WHISK! CRUSH! WHISK!

Turmeric: TURN IT OFF!

Cuisinart: I DON'T KNOW HOW!

[Cuisinart crashes into Candle.]

Candle: AAH—

[Candle tumbles.]

Aglet: CANDLE!

[Candle catches the edge of the platform with both hands.]

Candle: LITTLE HELP?!

Chair: I got you!

[Chair runs over.]

Turmeric: Wait, Chair—

[Chair grabs Candle.]

[Candle's weight immediately starts dragging Chair over too.]

Chair: Oh.

Turmeric: Of course.

[Turmeric grabs Chair.]

[Aglet grabs Turmeric.]

[Lamp grabs Aglet.]

[They form an increasingly terrible chain hanging toward the edge.]

Pen: This appears suboptimal.

Ball: Want help?

Lamp: YES!

[Ball rolls into Lamp's back and braces.]

[The chain stops sliding.]

Aglet: Okay! Pull!

[Everyone pulls Candle and Chair back onto the platform.]

[Candle lies there for a second.]

Candle: Okay.

[She immediately gets back up and takes another snowball.]

Candle: New rule. Tuba first.

Tuba: WHAT'D I DO?!

Everyone on Aglet's team: TUBA FIRST!

[Seven snowballs fly toward Tuba.]

Tuba: OH.

Leaf: DOWN!

[Tuba ducks.]

[Most of the volley misses.]

[One hits Jar.]

Jar: Whoa.

[Jar spins around and drops to the floor.]

Jar: That was awesome.

Scissors: Are you okay?!

Jar: Probably.

[One hits Knife.]

Knife: GAH—

[Knife slides toward the edge, digs his blade into the platform, and stops himself.]

Knife: See?!

Scissors: See WHAT?!

Knife: Useful!

Scissors: Fine! That was actually useful!

Knife: Say it again.

Scissors: No.

[The last snowball is headed directly for Rock.]

Leaf: Rock!

Scissors: Why did you yell his name?!

[The snowball hits Rock.]

THUNK.

[Rock shoots across the platform.]

Scissors: OH NO.

[Everyone watches.]

[Rock slides straight toward the edge.]

[Leaf dives for him and misses.]

[Knife reaches out and misses.]

[Jar makes absolutely no attempt to help.]

Jar: Bye, Rock.

Scissors: SOMEBODY GET HIM!

[Rock reaches the edge...]

[...]

[One tiny bit of Rock remains hanging over the platform.]

[Rock stops.]

[Silence.]

Leaf: Holy crap.

Scissors: HOW.

Bread: Strong positioning, loaf of bread.

Scissors: HE DIDN'T POSITION HIMSELF.

Lamp, from across the gap: GO ROCK!

Scissors: WHY ARE YOU CHEERING FOR THE OTHER TEAM?!

Lamp: That was cool!

Candle: Lamp!

Lamp: Right! Sorry!

[Paper looks at Rock.]

Paper: Who's that?

Scissors: NOT NOW.

[Across the gap, Bread quietly lines up another underhand throw.]

[Pen is distracted watching the Rock incident.]

Leaf: Bread.

Bread: Yep, loaf of bread.

[The snowball leaves Bread's hand.]

[It lands perfectly on the rim of Pen's platform.]

[It bounces.]

[Pen turns.]

Pen: Ah.

[The snowball rockets straight toward him.]

[CUT TO BLACK.]

Part 2 coming soon!